Monday, March 29, 2004

Agence France-Presse reported last week that Clotaire Rapaille, a French born "medical anthropologist", has diagnosed John Kerry as being "too French" for the American public. Given that English is not Monsieur Rapaille's native language and that Standard Deviance is "proficient" in French, below you can find a translation of his franglish.

The French are thinkers -- 'I think, therefore I am'. Americans want somebody who is going to take action. All this association of Kerry with thinking too much and nuance and five-sentence answers is off-code.

The French are very smart. Since the beginning of civilization we have lead the world in literature, art, any number of fields. Every other country, especially the United States, is far inferior to France. John Kerry is far too intelligent for American simpletons. My advice for Mr. Kerry is to use primarily monosyllabic words.

American culture is an adolescent culture... In America, you have to be the common man, be able to make people think you are the common man.

Most Americans' brains do not develop past the age of 12. The best way to communicate with this country is to use monkey grunts and belching noises. Also, if Mr. Kerry could possibly conjugate his verbs incorrectly, that would improve matters immensely.

Go to K-Mart, buy jeans and cowboy boots... Dress like you are going into a bar in Kansas to drink from the bottle.

I spit on you Americans! You are disgusting pigs who can only relate to jeans-wearing, Budweiser drinking, K-Mart shopping inbreds. You cannot even appreciate a fine specimen of culture and upbringing like Monsieur Kerry. Allez bouffer votre merde!

Kerry too 'French' to sway 'adolescent' Americans: consultant [AFP]