Mocking the World since 2003

Friday, May 28, 2004

Washingtonienne Poll 

The good people at PR Week emailed me about a poll they're hosting on Washingtonienne. Here it is:
PRWeek Opinion Poll

Book agents and Playboy are allegedly making offers to Jessica Cutler - aka Washingtonienne. Your thoughts?

1. Good for her. Any publicity is good publicity.
2. What - dear sir - is wrong with our world?
3. There are too many desperate media outlets.
4. I give it a week before we forget her name.
5. Who is Washingtonienne?
It's a nice little poll. But I think they forgot some answers, so here are my additions:
6. Good lord, that's a cumbersome name. Wash-ing-ton-i-enne. Quite a mouthful (no pun intended). Why not Dicktrick of Columbia?
7. I've slept with several City Councilmen. Can I get a book deal? No?!? Great, all I got out of that was a police parking placard and the clap.
8. Hey, honey, if either of those fall through I'll give you $1000 to be my girl. Just call up the Clinton Center in Harlem, okay?
Anyway, you can go vote in the real poll if you like.

Related Posts:
Oh Archie!


Thursday, May 27, 2004

A Message from the Staff 

Standard Deviance headquarters is in the midst of having an equipment malfunction: the f*cking piece of sh!t power supply to the godd@mn Dell sh!tbox laptop won't work. Thus posting will be light until we receive our new power supply in the mail. Oh, by the way, if you happen to have a Dell laptop that is more than, say, 2 years old good luck ever getting a f&cking power supply without either having to beg Dell India for one or having to deal with the sneaky b@st@rds on eBay.

Additionally, SD Headquarters is relocating this weekend 3 blocks east. Thus even if we get the f@cking power supply we might not have internet at the new digs. We will do our best to post during this time of turmoil, but there is only so much we can do using computers at work, the library, and the Apple Store.

F#ck! F*ck! F&ck!


Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Dance Monkey Dance! 

This week's New Yorker featured a much blogged-about article entitled "A Book in You" by Daniel Radosh. While it's true that as bloggers we at Standard Deviance might be a tad biased, we saw some interesting underlying themes in this article. Thus we have taken excerpts from the piece and prepared our own interpretations, which can be found below. Enjoy!

Original:Reading blogs on company time is hardly unheard of, but Lee does not so much read as prospect, sifting through sloppy thinking, bad grammar, and blind self-indulgence for moments of actual good writing.
Our Version:This woman is a saint for bothering to train these blogger-monkeys to stop throwing their feces about their cages and start writing in coherent sentences. No wonder she is the only one in the field.

Original: Sometimes she writes to a blogger only to get the e-mail equivalent of a blank stare. The pseudonymous author of The Minor Fall, The Major Lift was particularly unreceptive. "What am I going to write a book about?" he replied.
Our Version: Kate Lee does her very very best to teach the shit-throwing animals to use knives, forks, and the past participle but some of the bloggers seem to prefer wallowing in their piles of dung. They even like their style of writing. How odd. Obviously not all of the bloggers can be saved.

Original: Still, she remains something of a curiosity in this scene. "People tell me all the time, 'You should blog.' But I don't have the need to share everything I'm thinking."
Our Version: The monkeys try to suck Lee into their disgusting circle of daily-posting and bad-writing, but luckily Lee has the wiles to fight off the pack. "Post with us," they call to her. "Be self-centered and self-important," they chant. Lee knows, however, where the blogger's path leads and thus she turns her back on the beasts.

Original: "Anyway, I've started working with a couple of graduates of the Iowa Writers' Workshop. It's very exciting. They're interesting writers - with training, and degrees to show for it."
Our Version: Lee has found another pack of monkeys to do her bidding who already understand the merits of forks, knives, and complete sentences. Soon bloggers will be obsolete, like the rotary telephone and AOL.

Note: We've been told that Kate Lee is actually a nice person. We'll hold off on judging her until we actually meet her.


Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Best Week Ever 

There's a breakout candidate this week for the person having the "Best Week Ever". I'm sure the people over at the Best Week Ever Blog are considering your typical cast of characters: Mike Myers, for his blockbuster Shrek 2, Michael Moore, for winning the Cannes Film Festival. However, we here at Standard Deviance have had our ears to the street and we know who is truly having the Best Week Ever. Of course, it's CHRISTOPHER X. BRODEUR!!!. Brodeur, a long-suffering critic of Rudolph Giuliani, was once labeled a "perverted little creep" by the former mayor. Christopher's current rise to fame began last Tuesday when he attended the September 11 Commission hearings. Following much finger-pointing and shouting ("Talk about the radios!"), he was dragged out of the hearing by security personnel. Even better, his girlfriend, the hilarious Jessy Delfino of recent WYSIWYG fame, was similarly ejected from the hearing. It seems that Delfino was innocently sitting next to Brodeur when the security guards decided to remove her. Following this incident both Brodeur and Delfino were chastised in the comments of Delfino's blog, and Brodeur subsequently posted his extended criticisms of the Giuliani administration on Delfino's blog.

As if that attention wasn't enough, Brodeur was Gawked not once, but twice! First, Gawker posted a tipster's email regarding the recent deserters of NY Press, including one "Matthew X. Brodeur". Then yesterday, Gawker posted a correction penned by the NY Press editor, Jeff Koyen. Koyen clarified that Brodeur's first name is Christopher and added that Brodeur is still on the NY Press staff in the position of "a beloved retarded child who scribbles real funny."

To sum up,in the past week Christopher X. Brodeur has garnered the attention of Mayor Giulianai, the September 11th commission, the September 11th commission's security guards, most major news sources, Jessy Delfino, Jessy Delfino's angry commenters, and Gawker, all while maintaining his odd facial hair. I think it is without question that Christopher X. Brodeur is having the Best Week Ever. Live it up, kid!

I Will Start a Brothel of Female Bloggers in the Basement of Soho House. Muhahah! 

Standard Deviance's favorite whipping boy, Jason McCabe Calacanis, is making overt moves on Ana Marie Cox (better known as Wonkette). Our spies tell us he's courted her before, but never out in the open for our amusement:
Ana Marie Cox scored a huge scoop last week when she got the jump on the DC sex blogger "Washingtonienne." She went on to take the story to an unprecedented level when she posted the photo of her during a night on the town with the now famous 'Tonienne...

Wow... like, uhhh... wow.

That is what I call dedication! AMC, hit me on the AIM (jasoncalacanis) and let's do lunch... I'll jump on the shuttle.
First off, who knew the cable channel American Movie Classics was named after Wonkette. Cool! Secondly, EW, what the hell, jump on the shuttle? Like he and Ana are going to ride together to the heights of bloggerdom on her rising star. Ew, grossly phallic.

Oh. Wait a minute. He meant the Delta Shuttle from New York to DC. Okay I have a dirty mind. Nevermind.

Wonkette gone wild... [The Jason Calacanis Weblog]

Related Posts:
Days of Our Blogs
Oh Archie!


Monday, May 24, 2004

That's Right, Dubya, Walk to Brooklyn and Get Me Some Freaking Cheesecake 

Sean "P.Diddy" Combs is slated to host a political talk show on MTV called "Project Change". On the show Mr. Combs is planning to quiz George Bush and John Kerry on the concerns of "real people". Puffy says he'll search Harlem, Brooklyn, and Detroit for "real people off the streets" to question the two candidates. We here at Standard Deviance are always looking to be ahead of the curve, thus we have already hit the streets of Brooklyn to find out what the people want to know:

John 41, of Prospect Heights:
"Hey, Mr. Kerry, lovin' the tan. Anyway, what up with Alexandra? She's slammin'! Anybody tapped that ass yet?"

Regina, 23, of Carroll Gardens:
"President Bush, I have the upmost respects for your positioning in Iraq. Here's my question: Who are you picking to win American Idol? I'm feeling like Diana's gonna win, she's my Italian sister and all. But LaToya has a sultry thing going on. Whaddya think?"

Kwesi, 30, of Bedford-Stuyvesant:
"This is a question directed toward both candidates. I've been researching the recent employment reports to determine the economic situation of our country. While non-farm payrolls increased by 288,000 during the month of April, unemployment rates have remained constant. Can each of you please give me a detailed synopsis of your plans for revitalizing this stalling economy? Additionally, y'all want some long distance calling cards? They're only 5 cents a minute to the Caribbean and Canada!"

'P. Diddy' to Tackle Politics on MTV Show [AP]
The Employment Situation: April 2004 [Bureau of Labor Statistics]

Oh Archie! 


Friday, May 21, 2004

Google vs. Microsoft. Some Say Best Matchup since Denton vs. Calacanis. Obvs. 

Two news items came out today pitting Microsoft vs. Google. First there was an item discussing Google's upcoming challenge to Microsoft by launching a search tool, code-named Puffin, to search Windows machines. Thus when you a racking your mind as to where you stored your latest kitty-strangling photos, just Google your computer for kitty-strangling and up they will come. Microsoft is not standing idly by, however. They're working on a search engine of their own which will be launched with the new version of Windows in 2006.

The second item reported on Bill Gate's interest in blogs. Gates took the stage at Microsoft's annual CEO Summit and spoke to his executives about the importance of blogs. He said that blogs would be excellent modes of communication for corporations and that blogs get "away from the drawbacks of e-mail and the drawbacks of a Web site." Microsoft has nearly 700 of its own employee bloggers talking up their software. This again pits Microsoft against Google because Google owns one of the leading blogging systems out there, Blogger. Standard Deviance is a Blogger blog, which should obvious given SD's daily server crashes.

It seems there may be a showdown in the future between these two powers, although if history is any indicator Google may go the way of Netscape. Lets hope not as Standard Deviance just got her very own GMail account (Thanks Blogger! Now if only my blog would load...)

In related news, yet ANOTHER article came out yesterday on Denton. This time he schools PR people how to deal with those snarky creatures called bloggers. Okay, for all you PR peeps out there, here is the way to a bloggers heart:
Free Stuff + Free Booze - Excessive Namedropping - Attitude = Bloggers Won't Make Fun of You and May Consider Reviewing Your Product
Easy, right?

Google, Microsoft Take Battle to the Desktop [Reuters]
Microsoft's Gates Touts Blogging as Business Tool [Reuters]
Q&A: Nick Denton, Gawker Media [PRWeek]


Thursday, May 20, 2004


Standard Deviance attended the WYSIWYG Talent Show Tuesday night which featured "The Hottest Women of Blog" discussing their first times. All the reading/performances were excellent. Although it was quite dark in the theater I was able to take a few notes, and thus I have some choice quotes from the performances for my readers to enjoy:

Sarah Lewitinn of Ultragrrrl:
How her boss described her at the age of 19:
"Oh Ultragrrrl, you're such a liability."

Nichelle of Nichelle Newsletter:
"Fuck therapy, I need more orgasms."

Rachel Kramer Bussel of Lusty Lady
To a stripper she was lusting after:
"Hi. I really like your outfit.

Lindsay Robertson of Lindsayism
On how her boyfriend acted when he was tripping on acid:
"When I told him I loved him, he said 'Must you fill every silence with the sound of your voice?'"

"Speaking painful and irritating, that reminds me of the first time someone tried to bugger me."

Jessy Delfino
"Fun Fact. Maine has no blacks."
On buying Molson XXX in Canada:
"It's a really strong beer they won't sell in the US. It only takes one of them to get homeless."

As for Jamye Waxman and Girly NYC, I am sorry but I am unable to decipher the scrawls of my in-the-dark-handwriting on their readings. However I do remember Jayme and Girly sharing funny anecdotes of sex-pot babysitters and steel-trap vaginas, respectively. All of the performances were excellent and hanging out with the girls afterwards at Standard was lovely. I think I may have seen the ghost of Elizabeth Spiers but it may have just been a hallucination given she's gone the way of Andy Kaufman and the Loch Ness Monster.

All in all it was a great event and I will definitely be attending the WYSIWYG shows in the future.

The WYSIWYG Talent Show

Standard Deviance Answers Your Questions 

Standard Deviance has received several site hits lately by way of search engines. These searches have contained some interesting search terms, most in form of a question. We here at Standard Deviance are quite concerned that these searchers came to SD but did not get their questions answered. Thus we present you with Standard Deviance Answers Your Questions.

Search Terms:Statutory Rape California Older Woman
Assumed Question: What is the age of consent in California, particularly in cases where the woman is older?
Answer: The age of consent in California is 18. Thus if someone 18 or older has sex with someone under 18, they have committed statutory rape. It makes no difference whether it is the woman or the man who is older. Therefore, Mrs. Robinson (or, should we say, Julie Cooper), if you are 18 or older and your love interest is under the age of 18, watch out. It's bad enough to sleep with your daughter's boyfriend, nevermind getting arrested for it. [Ageofconsent.com]

Search Terms: Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen Shoe Size
Assumed Question: What are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's shoe sizes?
Answer: The Olsen Twins (or Mary-Kate and Ashley, as they prefer to be called) both wear shoe size 5 1/2. However, they aren't as identical as you would think: Mary-Kate is 5'6" while Ashley is 5'3", which is ironic because Ashley is two minutes older. How funny! Also, both twins are under age 18, so please see entry above regarding the legality of pursuing your foot fetish. [Alloy]

Search Terms: Oral Sex Rumors and Rod Stewart
Assumed Question: Is it true that after collapsing at a post-concert party, Rod Stewart was rushed to an emergency room, where doctors pumped a pint of semen out of his stomach?
Answer: No, this is an urban legend. This particular legend has been circulating for many many years. This particular accusation has been directed towards Rod Stewart, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Jon Bon Jovi, and numerous other male and female pop stars. The legend is often accompanied with the exact amount of semen that was supposedly in the stomach "7 ounces, 1 gallon, 10 gallons", although these amounts are far too large for the human stomach. However this still doesn't explain how Rod's hair ended up so spiked. It looks as if someone has been guiding his head by pulling his hair. Coincidence? We think not. [Snopes]

Search Terms:Big Pussy Lips
Question I'll Answer: Why Does Big Pussy have such big lips?
Answer: We don't know why, but he does, doesn't he?

Maybe they're swollen from all that jabbering he did with the FBI. Loose lips sink ships, right Pussy?


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Here's a Little Agit for the Never-Believer 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire 

Standard Deviance has been riding around on that confusion merry-go-round that is nanopublishing for the last 45 minutes. It is impossible to determine whether it's Denton or Calacanis who's full of it(For background information read this). Business 2.0 came out yesterday with an article profiling Nick Denton and his wily media-building ways. The article concludes that Denton is playing down his position so he can keep ahead of the competition and ultimately sell Gawker Media when the blogwave crests. This caused Jason Calacanis to nearly wet himself as he was so excited to have someone agree with him.

Denton shot back and said that Business 2.0 just made up the numbers they were using to calculate his revenue and that they're far overstating it. He also says that Greg Lindsay, the piece's author, is obsessed with Gawker Media because, says Denton, "we used to write about him and, since he "went freelance", no longer do. Media about media about media." Denton claims, as he always has, that he's not in this business for the money but he is in it because he is excited by the new frontiers of media. But that could just be a story he tells to keep his writers and competition complacent. However, Jason Calacanis' claims of riches seem inflated. So the question is, who's playing loose with the truth?

Denton says he won't disclose his earnings and Calacanis won't disclose who his investors are or how much they are investing (but we all know Mark Cuban is one of them). Without the numbers it's pretty much impossible to tell who's overstating (or understating). Standard Deviance is more inclined to believe Denton because we really can't imagine that this blogging thing can really pull in that much cash. Plus the Calacanis model is puzzling to us: he splits the revenue 50-50 with his writers and then he has to pay for design, software, tech support, advertiser recruitment, and PR. It's hard to see how he's making any money off this at all. Of course, who thought people would pay $6 for a latte? If anyone with some insight wants to weigh in please do, because we're getting dizzy.

P.S. How funny is it that Lindsay published that super secret email from Denton? That's the last time he's getting an insider tip.

What Makes Nick Tick? [Business 2.0]

Related Posts:
NYC Bloggers Recap Part I
Days of Our Blogs


Tuesday, May 18, 2004

To Do This Week 

Apple Martini 

There's something about naming a Hollywood child Apple Martin that just destines her for adolescent alcoholism.

Is there a Betty Ford Jr. Center?

Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to baby girl named Apple [Newsday]


Friday, May 14, 2004

See You On Tuesday 

Standard Deviance's sister, Catherine Deviance, is graduating from college this weekend. This momentous occasion drove Standard Deviance to take a day off work and commit to spending an entire long weekend away from her computer. Thus there will be no posting until Tuesday.

Congratulations Graduates! Welcome to middle-class poverty!

Days of our Blogs 

Jason Calacanis today made his first public plea to employ one of the Denton Pod People. Granted he's going after Elizabeth Spiers, who has already left the Gawker Media Empire, but still it is interesting to see the process out in the open. Take a look [Emphasis mine]:
Spiers retiring from blogging makes me feel like the times when Jordan retired from the NBA. :-(

Hey kid, can you just give us a couple of riffs on Graydon for old time's sake?!

PS - The door is always open if you ever want to get back on the court. Same deal, you own half the brand and I'll make sure you can pay the rent. You're too damn talented to not be in this game.

PS2 - I was going to compare you to the Man of Steel giving up all his powers in Superman 2. The world needs you!
I have an idea for Jason. I think he should call up the Lakers and have them display "Lizzie Spears, Play on My Team!" on the scoreboard during halftime tomorrow night. Then the Phil Jackson can put her back in the major leagues where she can scale tall buildings with a single bound and make a killer fadeaway jumper if the kryptonite Lex Luther is wielding doesn't take her down first... Or something like that.

Related Posts:
Ooh, Ooh, Blog Drama! Fun!
Blog Drama Gets Even More Funnier


Thursday, May 13, 2004

Crazy Courtney Quotes 

Courtney Love was arraigned yesterday in New York on assault charges for hitting a fan in the head with a mike stand. Before and after the arraignment Courtney gave several rambling statements. Here are some choice quotes.

"I think I ... a certain person who had bogus power of attorney. And that purchased ... they stole about $40 million from me."

"I feel really stupid. And I'm really sorry to anybody that got hurt. My daughter's trust fund had $12 million stolen from it."

"My daughter said to me the other day that she wanted to get rid of her horse because she didn't want it anymore. But I know it's because she knows we can't afford it."

"I'm sorry to Russell Crowe for you leaving me all those messages for the Golden Globes. I never got them, dude. It would have been a fun date."

"I want to thank the FBI in advance because I know they're going to help."

"Adultery is bad and maybe this is God's way of punishing me. I hope they send me to jail for 50 years."

It's like watching a terrible, horrible car crash. Except funny.

Courtney Love's Bizarre Court Appearance[WABC 7 New York]
Courtney Love Cracks [Extra]

Related Posts
Frances Bean Stigmatized
That Lady Sure is Crazy!

Martha to Serve Her Community? 

New York Representative Nydia Velazquez is petitioning the judge in the Martha Stewart case to sentence Martha to community service. Rep Velazquez, who wants Ms. Stewart to serve at a low-income women's center in Bushwick, argued "As an entrepreneur who built a company from the bottom up, and created a label that is known the world over, Ms. Stewart's skills could be put to good use." Given Martha's many business and inter-personal skills there is much she could teach the women of the Maura Clarke-Ita Ford Center. To help her get started, Standard Deviance has created a syllabus for the course.

How to Gain Money and Alienate People: The Martha Stewart Way.
Lesson 1: How to Assert Control in Your Life, or How to So Estrange Your Husband that He Files for Divorce on the Same Day you Release your Bestselling Book Entitled "Weddings".
Lesson 2: How to Make Tasty Hand-Made Pastries, or How to Make Women Across the Nation Feel Inadequate.
Lesson 3: How Best to Deal with Surprising Conflicts, or How to Chop a Head of Lettuce.
Lesson 4: How to Know When to Stop, or How Not to get Arrested for a Paltry $300,000 Stock Transaction.
Lesson 5: How to Win the Sympathy of Others, or When Not to Carry a $7,000 bag.

Stewart May Work in Brooklyn Neighborhood [AP]
Martha Stewart [Wikipedia]
Courtroom Style [Gothamist]


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Star Copyright Fights 

The publishers of the recently revamped Star Magazine, American Media, have sent a cease and desist letter to the editor of Us Weekly, Janice Min. Apparently the people at Star believe that they own the word "Star" and are demanding that Us Weekly stop using the word "star" for column names. As of now Us Weekly has several columns with "star" in the title, including "Star Beauty" and "Star Style".

In related news, Donald Trump stormed New York Magazine's headquarters on Monday after hearing that Adam Moss told Jeremy Gerad "You're Fired!" Mr. Trump quickly ordered Mr. Moss to cease and desist from using the phrase. Mr. Moss responded by quickly firing the receptionist who let The Donald into the building.



Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Love to Link You Baby 

I slaved all night over a hot stove yesterday preparing a lovely post for my readers only to have the post overheat and explode, thus I am without my usual wittiness today. So, as I always do when I'm desperate, I present you with some linkage. Enjoy.
  • It appears that as I was passed over for the New York Post article on female bloggers, I have been similarly passed over by the WYSIWYG Talent Show featuring "The Hottest Women of Blog". It is true the event consists of female bloggers sharing their "first time" stories, which thus requires the blogger to write about herself, something I am not particularly good at nor inclined to do. It is also true that to be considered for this reading the blogger needed to submit a piece beforehand which, of course, I did not. But still, there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with a group that does not include Standard Deviance being crowned "The Hottest Women in Blog". Despite this large LARGE oversight, I will attend the reading to enjoy the lovely prose of Eurotrash, Nichelle, and Lindsay Lindsayism. However I will be sulking in the back with a large drink in my hand. I encourage you all to attend as well, if only to watch me fume. May 18, 7:30pm. [via Eurotrash]
  • Turns out the Democratic National Convention is giving press credentials to some bloggers. Maybe some of the New York bloggers will be able to storm the Republican convention. That'd be fun. [Boston Globe]
  • Bob Zmuda is planning a party for Andy Kaufman this Sunday with hopes that Andy faked his death and will return. Sunday is 20 years to the day that Andy "died" and Kaufman said that if he was faking his death he would return 20 years later. Tony Clifton will be there, one way or another. [WP]
  • The world's most famous racing sausage, Mandy Block of the Milwaukee Brewers, has decided to retire. Ms. Block was the woman inside the sausage costume that was hit over the head with a bat by Randall Simon of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Mandy's retirement has nothing to do with the sausage scandal; she plans on taking psychology classes. [AP]


Monday, May 10, 2004

Blogger, You've Done Me Wrong 

Damn you Blogger, you were like the Pabst Blue Ribbon of the blogosphere: You were crappy but we used you anyway because you were cheap and basic. But now you've sold out in order to provide "better service". How typical. Finding Blogger was like finding a super cool T-Shirt at a vintage store but discovering it had pitstains under the arms. Even though you knew you could get something similar and pitstain-free at Urban Outfitters, you wanted the smelly pitstained original. Blogger was the original.

Blogger was ghetto fabulous. No, we didn't have separate pages for our posts, and who needed them. Embedded comments, screw that, a pop-up window looks "grittier". Site feeds, no need, if those readers won't come straight to my blog, I don't want them. But now there are all these fancy-shmancy interfaces on the Blogger system. What's with this actually-answering-my-questions crap? I'm used to reading the Blogger Knowledge Base over and over and finally going to the Blogger forum to have people tell me "You can't do that on Blogger." Oh Blogger, you've ruined my blogging street-cred with your shiny icons and new-fangled permalink URLs. At least you didn't include categorized archiving or trackbacks so my blog will remain shabby chic as it is still technologically inferior to the Movable Type blogs. I guess I should have seen this coming when you gave me a Gmail account for no reason. But Blogger, if you're going to upgrade again, can you give me a heads up so I can move over to Upsaid of LiveJournal? Because you're ruining the crappy blogging that makes Standard Deviance great.

The Great Blogger Relaunch [Blogger]
Google revamps blogging service [BBC]

Fun with Similes 

Jane Fonda recently reentered the business of movie-making by starring in an upcoming film with Jennifer Lopez called Monster-In-Law. Jane Fonda explained that acting is a lot like sex because "How to do it just comes right back." Now, most people would probably describe that feeling of remembering how to do something years later as being like bicycle-riding, but images of bikes (especially stationary ones) give Ms. Fonda bad flashbacks from her aerobics days.

Additionally, is Jane Fonda conceding that she stopped having sex long enough that she could feasibly forget how to do it? The woman portrays herself as a pariah: she insists that John Kerry did not know her in the 70s because she realizes that knowing her would be a liability to his campaign and at the same time concedes that no one will have sex with her. Good lord, Jane, have some confidence in yourself! You're an 80s hottie and everyone knows everything 80s is hot now, so stop being a martyr and start working those leggings!

Fonda: Movie Making Is a Lot Like Sex [AP]


Friday, May 07, 2004

The Real World is Rough 

While it's quite well known that Dan from Real World Miami is himself a blogger, it turns out he is also a movie-theatre-porn-masturbator. While I was about to rip Dan apart myself, he beat me to the task:
TRUE OR FALSE: I like watching porn with guys with nice butts.

(True true true. Straight guys: insert "girls with big boobs" here, and it's the same thing for you.)

TRUE OR FALSE: There were guys with nice butts in the movie.


TRUE OR FALSE: I was charged with jackin' off in a porno theater, by an undercover vice-squad cop.

TRUE OR FALSE: A female friend just called me and said "Damn, I thought waking up naked with a sombrero on my head and cocaine on my face was bad. But you win. You had the best Cinco de Mayo ever."

TRUE OR FALSE: All my male friends have laughed out loud when I told them.


TRUE OR FALSE: In an effort to show support, all my male friends have let me know that they jack off to porn too.

(True. Thanks, guys.)

TRUE OR FALSE: I'll never be naughty again.

So props to you, Dan, for embracing your bad bad ways. And hey, this is definitely better than if you was getting freaky wit a girl and then, woo woo, turns out she's a $10 hooker and then the cops are all up in your grillpiece. Way better than that.

Real World Housemate Pulls A "Pee-wee" [TSG]


Thursday, May 06, 2004

Shut Up Already 

Lately things have been getting to Standard Deviance. Whether it be something ending or something being brought back, I'm really sick of hearing people talk endlessly about the same topics. Really. Here's a list of these offending overly-talked about topics, and a rating for how much I want people to shut up already.

Seriously. If I read one more headline about "The End of an Era" or see one more Katie-Couric-hosted tribute I am going to gouge my eyes out. However, that really wouldn't be sufficient as I would still be able to hear Chandler say "Could I be any more annoying?" I'm DVR-ing the episode tonight but I may just delete it to spite NBC. If I do keep it I will definitely fast forward through the commercials so that the $2 million those sucker advertisers paid will have been wasted. Plus, can we just remember that ever since "We were on a break" this show has sucked. So, to all the authors of the following articles, please, please, for the love of God stop typing. Go cry in your bed if you have to, but I can't stand it anymore.

Shut Up Rating: 11.5 (out of 10, so really, shut up already)
The End of "Friends" [E!]
'Friends' Finale to Be Released on DVD [AP]
The 'Friends' close the door [CNN]
Rembrandts Don't Want to Be 1-Hit Wonder [AP]
Twilight of the Sitcom Gods (Cue the Strings) [NYT]

Okay, I am a Morrissey fan. The Smiths were a great band and it's fabulous music for when you want to kill yourself. Kind of like how I feel now when I read another bloggers post about his tour. ENOUGH ALREADY! You are causing me to hate a musician I would otherwise like. I am starting to get Dave Matthews syndrome with Morrissey: DMB is not terrible, but there are so many Abercrombie-wearing asses out there who go on and on about how seeing "Dave" in concert is soooo moving that it causes me to hate Dave Matthews with a passion only rivaled by my current hate for Friends. And now you Buddy-Holly-glasses-wearing bloggers are doing this to me with Morrissey, a musician I actually like to begin with. Please stop. I don't care what the set list was. How many nights is he at the Apollo again? I DON'T CARE. You're flying all the way from somewhere boring to see him? That's what happens when you live somewhere boring, I really don't want to hear about it. So, to all the bloggers listed below, don't take this the wrong way, but seriously you are causing me to hate everything Morrissey-related. And that is a sin.

Shut Up Rating: 9
Inbetween Days [Stereogum]
Morrissey Watercooler [Stereogum]
Morrissey Live In New York [Stereogum, anyone else seeing a pattern?]
A Love Letter to Morrissey, my fellow celibate [Celibate in the City]
MORRISSEY, Monday May 3 at the Apollo Theater [Lindsayism]
meme not [fiftyfivehundred.org]

Bush Kerry Poll Results
Neck-and-Neck you say? Really close? Who knows who will win? No shit, Sherlock. God knows Standard Deviance loves political humor, but I am sick to death of hearing how close they are in the polls. It's going to be close. Maybe Nader will affect the results. Who cares, the election is six months away, can we please focus on something important (No, not the Friends finale, you jackasses). CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, please please, cover something else.

Shut Up Rating: 7
Bush's Approval Rating Drops [VOA]
Bush Approval Ratings on Iraq, Economy at New Lows, Gallup Says [Bloomberg]
Gallup poll shows tight race for presidency [CNN]
NBC poll: Pessimism not sticking to president [MSNBC]

Whew. I feel better.

New York: Without God 

Today is the United State's National Day of Prayer. Prayer was first introduced as a country-wide activity in 1775 and was officially made an annual event as of 1952. The website for the event has listings of events by state. Manhattan's prayer activity will be held at City Hall from 5:30 to 7:30. If you have any love for this city I would attend the prayer vigil, as the city needs some good karma. There's way too much evil here.


Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Buy American 

Much is being said today regarding which country produced the presidential candidates' campaign busses. While both Bush and Kerry claim to be pro American jobs, each of their campaign busses were manufactured in Canada, thus taking jobs away from hard-working Americans. Standard Deviance, however, feels a deeper issue is being missed here: What are the countries of origin of their sports equipment?

President Bush, being an avid sports enthusiast and runner, certainly has a need for sneakers. The question is, where do those sneakers come from?

It looks to me that the President is wearing New Balance sneakers in the picture above. While New Balance is a US company with it's main headquarters in Lawrence, Massachusetts, the CEO of the company admits, "We do make some shoes overseas". A ha! With every stride of his runner gait the President is beating into the ground the hopes and dreams of the many American sneaker-producers whose jobs have been outsourced.

Don't believe that the presidential challenger is innocent in this matter. Take a look at his sail.

The sail seems to be a Gaastra sail. While Gaastra is a very well-respected company in the sport of windsurfing, it was founded by a Dutchman and is now headquartered in Hong Kong. A doubly foreign product, the shame. Senator Kerry similarly insults the pride of American Windsurf-makers with every turn of his sail.

Much has been uncovered today in the sordid buying patterns of these candidates. Whether their possessions are Canadian, Hong Kong-ian, or country-of-origin-undetermined-ian, it is clear that the candidates are not loyal to American producers. But one thing is certain: Ralph Nader's Frisbee is domestically produced.

Campaigns spar over Canadian buses [CNN]

Disney Blocks Michael Moore's Movie 

Michael Moore is about to release a new movie through Miramax called Fahrenheit 911, which connects George Bush to Osama Bin Laden and other moneyed Saudis. Disney, as the parent company of Miramax, is putting a stop to the release of the movie as they object to the subject matter. Moore faced a similar resistance when he attempted to release his book Stupid White Men, which ultimately was released and became a New York Times bestseller. Disney could not be reached for comment.

In related news, Warner Brothers has put a stop to the release of New York Minute. The film, starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, attempts to link the twins to punk rock, a connection that Warner Brothers finds not only immoral but also implausible. The Olsen Twins could not be reached for comment.

Disney 'blocks' new Michael Moore doc [Guardian]
Disney Forbidding Distribution of Film That Criticizes Bush [NYT]


Tuesday, May 04, 2004

NYC Bloggers Recap, Part III 

Finally, the good part: Blogger Drinks at Merc Bar!

This was my first foray into the world that is blogger interaction so it was quite interesting to see the species in their natural habitat, a bar. Luckily I snuck over to the bar before Gothamist and their entourage arrived, thus I was one beer ahead of everyone. Towards the end of the night this was not helpful, but at the beginning it put me at a distinct advantage. Here are some of the highlights:

Nichelle of Nichelle Newsletter also sidled up to the bar early. As we were two of the four females at the bar (Come on women, start blogging!), we watched each others back (and bags) for most of the night.

Here is the superdish of the night: I know who NewYorkish is. She's a 5'11" Austrian woman named Anna who has long blond hair and big muscular arms. She could easily snap me like a twig. It seems New Yorkish is an alter ego for her because her English was quite broken, as she mostly answered questions with "Bitte?" and "Entschuldigung." Her shoe size is 11 and she prefers vodka rocks to cosmopolitans. I have so much to learn from her.

When I introduced myself to Choire Sicha as a blogger he has heard of, he did the "Hey, how are you!" that really means "Who the fuck are you? You really think I know every lowly fucking blogger on the planet. I am Choire Sicha. I am very busy rejecting trips to the Rockies. HELLO!" Well, Mr. Sicha, before you write Standard Deviance off as another self-centered mini-blogger who assumes everyone reads her site I will remind you that you emailed me twice, emails dated March 9 and March 12 with subject lines [Blank] and Re:[Blank] respectively. So don't act like you don't know me, Heather Locklear, because you do. SNAP!

Other bloggers I managed to meet: Nick Denton, Jake Dobkin, Andrew Krucoff [of The Other Page and the infamous Gothamist Interview], the Dodgeball guy [I think Dennis Crowley, but not sure], Felix Salmon, Wacky Neighbor, and last but certainly not least, Anonymous Outsider.

I also met a PR guy who can hook me up with my very own trip to the Rockies, as long as I sell my soul to the Devil. Free stuff? Who cares about hell, Standard Deviance is on board! Also there were some New York Times writers hanging about, they claim for social reasons. Does anyone believe that real journalists would hang out with bloggers of their own accord? Doubtful.

The night was ended with everyone agreeing that they would have coffee/drinks/dinner/lunch/brunch some time soon, to the point that I am having tapas with the bartender next Tuesday. All in all it was a fab night. A good dose of Blogcest all around. That concludes my NYC Bloggers Recap. I hope you all enjoyed it.

NYC Bloggers Recap, Part II 

In this installment we have a roundup of the Technology panel and the Editors panel.

Technology Panel: Anil Dash and Meg Houlihan, Moderated by Paul Ford

Standard Deviance doesn't have nearly as many notes on this panel as the others, and those of you who have seen the crappy design of this site displayed in Netscape or Mozilla will understand why. This is not the part of blogging that captures my main interest. However, given that I use these blogging tools to get my beautiful prose out to the masses every day, it is certainly an essential topic.

The main theme of this panel was that blogging has to be made easier for the non-technologically inclined. Meg also spoke quite a bit about offering bloggers topics to write about, and thus removing that mystery of blogging, and Anil focused on giving more options to higher-end users such as restricting the people who can view the site. I found this panel to be a tad less interesting than the one before it because it was less contentious and less focused. However it is still very interesting to see what the brains behind these blogger tools think. As my notes on this panel are limited, please check out EverythingNY's exhaustive coverage of the panel.

Moving on..

"Editors" Panel: Jen Chung, Choire Sicha, and Lockhart Steele, moderated by Felix Salmon

The panel opened with Felix insulting all three of them. Excellent beginning.
Again, as with the Publishers panel, quotes as I heard them are in quotation marks, paraphrases are not, and my comments are in italics.

Why are you doing this?
Lockhart: "I like to write", I didn't intend to get any attention from this. I think I heard some sneezes in the crowd that sounded like "Bullshit", but I'm not sure.
Choire: "They ask you to do something and you do it." That's what you do in New York. "How great is that for me? And how horrible for so many other people!"

Is the community of bloggers too forgiving?
Jen: "Bloggers have to fight for credibility."
"When the attacks come it's like you're attacking a little bunny-rabbit."

I may have heard a heckler in the back of the room, but seeing how I was sitting in the front, I couldn't really tell.

On PR agents:
Choire:Someone has offered me a free trip to the Rockies. I didn't accept.
Felix:"Do you have an ethical obligation as a blogger to turn down free trips to the Rockies?"
Choire: "No, I don't like Skiing"

Somewhere around there the panel devolved into a lot of laughing and questions as to whether the bloggers were getting laid through their blogs. While it was amusing it was not necessarily all that informative. If you are a loyal reader of these three blogs (as I am with Gawker and Gothamist) you may have known the editor's opinions on these topics already and thus found the panel slightly redundant, although entertaining.

Also, Choire unveiled a new Gawker Media blog called Defamer that describes itself by saying "LA is the world's cultural capital. Defamer is the gossip rag it deserves." So now the Lalas have their own Gawker. Good for them! And the editor is anonymous. Even more fun!

Ah, and finally the panels were over, and the bloggers were off to Merc Bar.

Stay tuned because up next we have the fun part: THE AFTERPARTY

NYC Bloggers Recap, Part I 

WARNING: There will be several lengthy posts today regarding last night's blog dork activities. Those of my loyal readers who are not interested in such things and would rather hear about kitty-strangling may prefer to postpone their SD reading until later today or tomorrow. You've been advised.

Last night there was a very interesting New York Bloggers panel at the Apple Store. The panel was organized by Jake Dobkin [BlueJake, Gothamist] and consisted of a debate between Nick Denton[Gawker Media] and Jason Calacanis[Weblogs, Inc.], moderated by Jeff Jarvis[BuzzMachine], a technology panel including Anil Dash[Dashes.com/anil]and Meg Hourihan[Megnut], moderated by Paul Ford [Ftrain], and an "editors" panel including Lockhart Steele [Lockhart Steele.com], Jen Chung [Gothamist], and Choire Sicha [Gawker], moderated by Felix Salmon [MemeFirst].

Publishers Panel: Denton vs. Calacanis, moderated by Jarvis

This panel had a better debate than the others because the two do have fundamentally different ideas of their roles. Nick Denton seems to be more interested in the idea of blogging as a business than the cash, whereas Calacanis is hoping to build a multi-million dollar blog empire from which he can profit.

Before launching into the festivities, let me give you a brief background of the two companies [Also, see CORRECTION below]. Nick Denton's Gawker Media focuses on creating brands, like Gawker, Fleshbot, and Gizmodo. His bloggers are his employees and are paid a part-time salary each month. His blogs endure after the departure of the individual bloggers (as Gawker did following Elizabeth Spiers move to NY mag and Gizmodo did following Peter Rojas' move to Engadget) and he owns what is written in the blogs. He deals with all of the technical/advertising/business aspects of the sites and the writers are left to produce the content.

Jason Calacanis creates 50-50 partnerships with his bloggers. I believe the bloggers receive the first $1000 in advertising a month and then split 50-50 with Calacanis after that. His bloggers own their content and so if they decide they would like to leave and create their own sites or books using the content they've created, they can. Given that this is a 50-50 partnership, the bloggers have a much greater involvement with the recruiting and management of advertisers. [CORRECTION: Jason has clarified that the bloggers have no involvement with the process of selling ads. I misunderstood. My apologies.] Jason is out to build a blog empire of, and I quote, "500 blogs". Thus he spends less time on each blog individually.

Given that background info, here are some choice quote/paraphrases from the discussion. I arrived late (of course, as a good blogger should) and thus missed the first 5-10 minutes of this. Quotes (as I heard them) are in quotation marks. Paraphrases are not. My own commentary is in italics.

On their business models:
Jason: "You can't trust your employer" and that is why a 50-50 partnership works better.
"I don't think Nick's model is sustainable because he will lose editors every 6-12 months."

Nick: I don't want to tell writers "you may get rich" as they did in the dot com era.
Writers want to be writers, not business people.

Is Blogging a business?
Nick: It is a business because you can make enough money to run it.
Making money is not my prime goal.

Jason: Online advertising is the most efficient form of advertising. This will be very profitable.
Next year we will grab a serious writer from someplace like the New York Times who earns $75,000-$100,000 a year.

To Nick, are you jealous of Jason having Mark Cuban as a blogger? Do you want celebrity bloggers?
Nick: "I think bloggers should become famous.

To Jason, is Mark Cuban an investor in your company? Will he be in the future?
Jason: He is not an investor right now, and in the future I will not disclose my investors (read:yes he will be)

What is the Essence of a Blog?
Nick: It has nothing to do with the format
"A Blog should retain a bloglike tone."
"Never sell out to advertisers."

Jason: Two things. One, there is no editor. Two, there are comments.

Nick: Gawker lost a German auto manufacturer advertiser because Choire wrote a post about Ryan Seacrest and skull fucking. We stood by the post and not editing yourself is the essence of a blog.

On Fleshbot
Jason: "I'm not saying you're a pornographer even though you have a porn site." SMACK!

How Transparent are Blogs?
Jason: "Although they trade accuracy for speed, they are much better at publishing corrections."

Nick: There must be a separation between the editor and the advertiser.

On Drudge
Jason: "He's a fucking blogger." He says he isn't but he is.

How much will you be earning 5 years from now?

Jason: [In a very very convoluted answer, he said something like this] We will have 500 blogs in 3 or 4 years. We will "Easily break $10 million."

Nick: "We'll probably be worth less than Jason."
"We won't sell out"

To Be Continued...


Monday, May 03, 2004

Tommy, Did Suzy Tease You for Being Fat? Well That's Your Fault For Being Obese and Disgusting. Stop Eating Already. 

A study was released recently that showed that obese children are more likely to be bullies or to be bullied. CNN reports this study shows that "being fat endangers emotional as well as physical health."

Believe it or not, I was a child myself some time ago and I remember that most anything different would get you called out and made fun of. Curly hair, braces, good grades, anything out of the ordinary. While it's true that unless a child is a carbon copy of every other third-grader out there it is more likely that she will be a target of bullying, being fat is not more of a target than any other difference. And as for larger children doing the bullying, that is most likely a defense mechanism so that they are not made a target themselves. I know this is a totally wild concept but perhaps instead of chiding our obese children for making themselves a target of bullies, perhaps we should try and teach all our children to be open and accepting of differences. Then once that issue is addressed the fat children should be taught how to eat healthily, but understand that they are special just the way they are.

No no, that's just tooo crazy. Lets name all our little girls Jessica, give them all blond hair, blue eyes, thin figures, and white skin. Make sure they wear the same clothes as all the other girls and that they do perfectly mediocre in school so as not to attract attention to themselves and count all their calories at the age of 8. Have them do cheerleading and Home Ec, never basketball and Wood Shop. Then likely they will grow up to be vapid obedient boring anorexic women. But at least they will not have been teased as small children.

Study: Obese kids more prone to bully, be bullied [CNN]
Demonizing Fat in the War on Weight [NYT]

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