Mocking the World since 2003

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Saddam Tranfer Complete 

The US has turned Saddam Hussein over to the Iraqi government, who will try him for human rights abuses. Due to the lack of appropriate facilities run by the Iraqis, Hussein will be held in an American jail, guarded by American soldiers. This reminds me of something...

Flashback! Dulledo Dulledo Dulledo
The music of Taylor Dayne fills the room. Throngs of children run about wearing birthday hats and blowing kazoos. An interesting interaction occurs between a small blond child named Casey and a young Standard Deviance.

SD: Casey, thanks for the doll you gave me for my birthday. She's really pretty.
Casey: I'm leaving now. Give me the doll.
SD: Why, you gave her to me for my birthday?!? Indian Giver!! (Ed note: sorry, we weren't PC in the 80s)
Casey: You don't have any of the right stuff. You need to get her dresses and have a bed for her, all that kind of stuff.
SD: But she's mine!
Casey: I'll give her back once you get a bed for her and everything.

SD cries and drops her crown in her birthday cake.
Dulledo Dulledo Dulledo Dulledo

I never did get that doll back. Damn Indian giver (Ed note: sorry, I'm still not PC).

Iraqis Given Legal Custody of Saddam [AP]

Harry Potter Title Revealed! 

J.K. Rowling has announced the title of the upcoming sixth book in the Harry Potter series: "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince". Standard Deviance found this title a little less than compelling, and given our vast expertise in all things book marketing, we've developed some alternate titles for Ms. Rowling.

"Harry Potter and the Bastard Magnate"
"Harry Potter and the Royal Family's Mulatto Embarrassment"
"Harry Potter and the Biracial Baron"

They jump out at you, don't they?

Rowling Announces Title of Potter Book [AP]


Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tuesday Morning Linkage 

  • The Official Chart Company, in partnership with Coca-Cola is launching the world's first music chart to follow online music sales. The chart will aggregate data from the three largest UK download services, www.mycokemusic.com, Napster and iTunes. Silly Brits, they actually download legally. How quaint. [NME]
  • That ole' man is likely spinning in his grave so fast that he's drilled down to bedrock: A court has ruled that Strom Thurman's illegitimate biracial daughter's name must be engraved on a monument to the Senator along with his other children's names. Spin, baby, spin. [AP]
  • Starbucks to launch Frappucino Light. In related news, McDonalds has released a light version of their Big Mac that is only 1,000,000,000,000 calories. I can stop doing Atkins now! [Reuters]

Two of a Kind 

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton became the proud parents of a baby boy on Saturday night. Since the two of them are, ahem, how shall we say, interesting looking, we've been devoting a lot of thought to what their child might look like. After using advanced imaging techniques, including bone structure analysis and the study of familial characteristics, we believe we have created a fairly accurate composite:

Bonham Carter, Burton Have Baby Boy [AP]

UPDATE: Ananova is reporting that Bonham Carter gave birth to her son back in October and that she is "baffled" by the reports in the US that she gave birth on Saturday. Nicki Van Gelder, Bonham Carter's agent, was the reported source for the incorrect AP article. Her representatives are now clarifying that "The only child she gave birth to was in October, 2003." Despite the confusion, one thing is clear: Nicki Van Gelder's ass is fired.

Bonham Carter perplexed at 'birth' stories [Ananova]


Monday, June 28, 2004

Speak Softly and Post on the Internet 

The UK's Observer ran a piece this weekend on the effects blogs can have on customer service. The article details how customer complaints can, when posted to the web, have a much larger effect on sales than the regular whining in the corner pub. One online consultant was quoted as saying "It's better to spend some money on dealing with one person, than risk a complaint going viral and damaging the value of the brand in the long term." Hmmm. Additionally the article described the efforts put into branding: "A brand invariably embodies a set of ideals its makers hope customers will share. But when those ideals are at odds with a customer's experience or awareness of the company's conduct, reputations can be dented. Understandably, brands are at pains to avoid this." Hmmmm. So if you are not getting any responses from customer service, going to the web is the best way to bring attention to your plight. Well, there is obviously only one thing to be done:

Blogger power to the people [Guardian]

Handover Complete! 

The United States handed over sovereignty to the interim Iraq government today, two days earlier than planned. The surprise small ceremony was moved up to thwart any attacks planned by insurgents. Interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said "We feel we are capable of controlling the security situation." Following the ceremony Paul Bremer, the US envoy to Iraq, boarded a plane and left the country.

Um, it seems to me that if ceremonies are being moved stealth-like to avoid attacks, US administrators are running for the first plane out of the country, and guerrillas are seizing foreign hostages and threatening to behead all of them, then perhaps this is not be the best time for a transfer of power. But maybe that's just me.

Handover Completed Early to Thwart Attacks, Officials Say [NYT]
Iraq Formally Returns to Self-Rule Two Days Early [Reuters]

A Message from the Staff 

Good news! The internet at SD headquarters is finally up and running so content should be back to normal for the foreseeable future. Granted Verizon had the gall to send me an internet bill for the last month even though I didn't have any service, but what else can you expect. Verizon Sucks! Hurrah! They have a monopoly, so there's not too much I can do about it. Yay capitalism!

Oh, by the way, Verizon also is holding my webspace hostage, which is why many of the older posts no longer have photos. I'm sorry, but again, Verizon sucks.

Buckle your seatbelts because I have a lot of mocking to do.


Friday, June 25, 2004

Bill Gates Blogs 

The Seattle Times is reporting that Bill Gates may start up his own personal blog. Techies everywhere are salivating at the idea of reading every genius thought Gates has. We here at Standard Deviance have conducted an investigation into the issue and we have discovered that not only has Bill Gates already started a secret blog, but he also has an irrational attachment to cheese. Perhaps the next version of Windows will be Windows PJ, with the PJ standing for Pepper Jack.

This reminds us: Why has Andy Kaufman stopped blogging? Of course, not blogging is the new black.

Bill Gates could join the ranks of bloggers [Seattle Times]


Thursday, June 24, 2004

A Message from the Staff 

SD headquarters is still without highspeed internet. We've been told that it will be up in 2-4 business days, but Verizon has told us that before so we don't really believe them. We are hoping and praying it will be back up soon, but cannot make any promises. Next time this happens we'll get a guest blogger. Really.

Anyone want Gmail? We have a ton of invitations.


Wednesday, June 23, 2004

When You're Sliding Into First and you Feel Like You're Gonna Burst 

The new Pepto Bismol commercial is easily the grossest commercial we've seen since that Lamisil ad. Five people of assorted shapes and sizes act out the ailments that Pepto Bismol can cure by doing a dance reminiscent of the Macarena. For nausea they hold their noses, for upset stomach they hold their tummies, and for diarrhea, you guessed it, they grab their asses as if they are trying to keep that stinky diarrhea turd inside. So gross. And as if once of this bowel ballet isn't enough, they turn and do the dance again (as you would in the Electric Slide). At one point their backs are to the camera as they dance. A question for Pepto Bismol: If you are trying realistically show the conditions Pepto Bismol can treat, why not give each of your dancers skidmarks that show through their pants? There's nothing that makes consumers love a product like a streak of poo.

Pepto Dance Video [Visit4Info]


Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Streakers as Billboards, Part II 

Loyal readers may remember SD's coverage of streakers being used as billboards. The imaginative folks at GoldenPalace.com, an online casino, pays streakers across the globe to run naked through sporting events while wearing the words Golden Palace.com written across their chests. The best known example of this was Mark Roberts' streak during this year's Super Bowl (not to be confused with Ms. Jackson's revelation). Mr. Roberts was arraigned yesterday in Houston for trespassing during the Super Bowl. He is facing up to six months in jail and a $2000 fine. However we think Judge Diane Bull may be easy on him given she said "I'm going to tell you this will really be a fun case." Your Honor, maybe you haven't heard, but we take public nudity seriously in this country. And swearing. And juvenile radio shows. And violations of the Geneva Convention. Ha ha! Just kidding, of course we don't take the Geneva Convention seriously. We're such kidders.

Super Bowl streaker goes to trial [CNN]


Friday, June 18, 2004

Technology in the News 

There's a great article today in the New York Times about this new crazy thing people are doing to buy sports and theatre tickets: Going Online. It seems there are several places online with humorous names like StubHub and eBay where you can buy tickets. StubHub is particularly interesting in that it's not online ticket service, it's a place where people with tickets can sell to other people who want tickets. So it appears you can actually buy and sell things online. Fascinating. The writer of this story managed to procure Yankee tickets from this StubHub place for face value just days before the game, thus good deals can be found in these online venues. We really must try this soon.

Also, the weblogs.com scandal has hit the mainstream media. Dave Winer disconnected all of the weblogs.com blogs this week because it was too difficult to keep them running, and the disconnected bloggers were not happy. Yet another story about those crazy crazy bloggers. These online journal keepers seemed to be positively livid that their little diaries were taken offline. We can't understand why given that blogging is really a sad pathetic activity anyway. It must be draining for poor Dave Winer to deal with such crazed fanatics on a daily basis.

That Invisible Hand Guides the Game of Ticket Hunting [NYT]
Blogger Criticized for Pulling Service [AP]


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

A Message from the Staff 

Hello Readers! I suspect that many of you believe that I enjoyed my disconnection from the internet during my move a little too much and as a result I have now gone on hiatus from Standard Deviance. Not true! My DSL is still not set up. I had a little blow out with Verizon yesterday and it appears that everything that could have gone wrong with my transfer did go wrong, and now it will still be several more days until I am connected. In the meantime I am looking into cable internet and doing my best to keep Standard Deviance chugging along, but it's not going very well. So hang in there just a little bit longer and I'll return with the spit and venom you're all accustomed too.

As a reward for putting up with me during this time of turmoil, I would like to offer my loyal readers a prize: a Gmail account. Being the D list blogger that I am I got on the Gmail boat a while ago (it's quite nice, actually), and now I've been given some more invitations to share with you all. It seems I have two invitations available right now so the first two lucky people who leave comments get the accounts. It's true, Gmail will probably be open to the public in a matter of weeks, but no matter, you can gloat to all your friends that you got in on the ground floor!


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

How to Know When You're Ridiculously Rich, #12 

If, while wearing a dinner jacket and bow tie, you drive a convertible sports car/boat across the English Channel in order to break the world record for crossing the Channel in an amphibious vehicle, you are most likely ridiculously rich.


Monday, June 14, 2004

i'm from brooklyn kid... we don't say sh!t about people's mothers/wives 

Important News Update 

Radio Netherlands has looked at the recent poor turnout at the European Parliament elections and has given its sharp insight on the issue. Take a look:

First, the record low turnout of fewer than 45 percent shows that most voters have yet to warm to the European enterprise. Secondly, the sweeping gains for euro-skeptical or downright anti-European parties indicate that public confidence is going down rather than up. And finally, the dramatic losses for German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder, his British counterpart Tony Blair, and - to a somewhat lesser extent - French President Jacques Chirac should be seen as electoral punishment for their respective domestic policies.

So let's us get this straight: When people don't vote that means they're not interested, when parties win elections it means their ideas are more popular to the public, and when other people lose elections it means the public doesn't like them. Amazing! What's more, the intriguing infographic above shows us that being skeptical and voting are inversely related. Not only that, but apparently when this skeptic/voter phenomenon happens it crosses out the EU flag and bathes the world in the red glow of devilish voter apathy. Fascinating! Make sure you stay tuned to Radio Netherlands for all the breaking EU coverage.


Friday, June 11, 2004

Smart Dogs 

Researchers in Germany have found evidence that dogs really can understand what humans say. Researchers at the Max Plank Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology have concluded that Rico, a 9 year old border collie can identify his toys by name. If he is shown an object and told its name he can retrieve it from a pile of objects months later. Rico has learned the names of over 360 toys including "panda", "tiger", and "Santa Claus".

While this development has been lauded as a major discovery in the field of animal intelligence, dogs have been shown to understand commands before. US Army officers in Iraq have conducted their own studies and have shown that dogs can easily identify many objects by barking at them. So far the officials have taught their dogs to identify "hoods and capes" and "leashes and collars". Most amazingly the dogs consistently respond to the command "Violations of the Geneva Convention" by barking at groups of naked bruised Iraqi prisoners.

Rico the collie borders on brilliant, scientists say [USA Today]
Report: Use of Dogs at Iraq Prison Was Authorized [Reuters]


Thursday, June 10, 2004

Run Forrest Run! 

Standard Deviance plans on reviewing one film from Art of Speed every day for the next (...hmm...carry the one...) several days. However, as loyal readers are well aware, SD headquarters is still without high speed internet so if we miss a day or two, blame the AOL. Disclaimer: We know nothing about film. Nothing. We never even took a college class in film. You've been warned.

We started off with the film Oggo, created by Saiman Chow and Han Lee. We've seen ads featuring the white happy-looking Booble Bobbles, as we like to call them, everywhere lately so we had to find out what their deal was. The movie depicts the competition between adrenaline cells, "Oggo", in a runner's body. Apparently the Booble Bobbles (Oggos, I guess) fight each other to provide the runner with energy. There's one Oggo in particular who lags behind the other Oggos. He falls down and hurts his head, to which the other Oggos respond by pointing and laughing. Standard Deviance had to sniffle a little bit at this scene as we had a similar experience during a fourth grade kickball game. The tired Oggo gets very angry so to get even he imagines up the best motorcycle ever and races off to beat the other Oggos. Hold onto your seats because Standard Deviance is about to make a connection: The Oggo getting past his tiredness and racing off on his motorcycle is like a runner getting his second wind. Wow, we're deep.

The injured Oggo races against the other Oggos who also have interesting modes of transportation. Our favorite is the Oggo who rides on the back of a 70s roller skater. The roller skater's afro rolls off and turns into a bowling ball. The bowling ball then knocks over a pyramid of Oggos that were leading the race thus clearing the way for the 70s roller skater to take the lead. The Oggos then move onto a twisty road which, to our discerning eye, resembles the small intestine (hey, we're getting good at this thinking thing). They travel through some pinball-type course which seems to be the circulatory system of the runner. Following a final showdown between the last two Oggos the runner stops and takes a sip of water and hundreds more Oggos appear and the cycle starts all over again.

The two who created this short are the pair behind many of the psychedelic clips you have seen on VH1. As you may have gleaned from those spots, although the film may not make sense to you, it's a lot of fun. We're even feeling slightly inspired to run, if only to imagine the Oggos doing battle in our small intestine.

But here is the real question: How did those kids from the Aeolian Ride manage to steal the Oggos' outfits?


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I Know You Are But What Am I 

Some people around the blog hood have been lauding the release of Who's the Boss Season 1 on DVD. I read something about Tony sliding head first into home plate and Mona's double entendres. I wasn't really paying attention because I was too distracted by the DVD relase of the best 80s show ever(and, no, I don't mean Saved By the Bell): PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE!!!! All 45 episodes are to be released on DVD in the fall and a collectors edition will be released next year. We're talking Ms. Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Pterri, Chairy, the list goes on and on. As if stupid up-tight Jonathan could even compete. That boy desperately needed a pair of giant underwear to play with. Obvs, Grambo, Obvs.


Tuesday, June 08, 2004


So it appears Gawker Media may have actually found a way to bring in some decent cash: special advertising sections. Gawker has launched a blog for Nike entitled "The Art of Speed" which follows short films Nike had commissioned to depict speed. The blog is written by the fabulous Remy Stern of New Yorkish (which sadly means, for the next month or so, us New Yorkish addicts will have to go elsewhere for our comedy fix). Standard Deviance can't quite chime in just yet on the blog content as I am still having internet problems and thus attempting to view streaming video might make my computer shake wildly and explode, but I can spout off on the idea of a special advertising section.

When I read magazines I generally skip past the pages listed as "Special Advertising Section" usually while grumbling "Do they think I'm an idiot, I know that's not really part of the magazine, they just want me to buy Crest Whitestrips or whatever..." However, it seems this blog is somewhat different. First off, I am never really sure who's writing those special advertising sections in the magazines. I've always assumed that the advertiser wrote the content, not the magazine. With the Art of Speed it is clearly labeled that while Nike and Gawker teamed up together for the content, Remy is the writer. Since Gawker Media and Remy have built up reputations for quality work and independence from advertisers, I don't have to worry about being conned. Secondly, this advertising section doesn't seem to be trying to sell me a particular product. Generally when I see special advertising sections in InStyle magazine, the section is trying to convince me that several studies, one board certified dermatologist, and InStyle all agree that Oxy 10 is the best way to get rid of my zits and I should go buy it right away. This blog, while it is selling the idea of speed and Nike's dedication to speed, isn't trying to stuff a new pair of running sneakers down my throat. Thus, as of yet, the special advertising section hasn't alienated me, and since I am a fan of Gawker and Remy, I would be inclined to read it. What more could an advertiser wish for?

Many other responses to Art of Speed have also been positive:
Susan Mernit
New York Times
PR Week [via The Blog Herald]

Stay tuned for part two: Is this blog any good?


Monday, June 07, 2004


Standard Deviance has just received an exclusive tip on an earthshattering piece of news: Former President Ronald Reagan has died at the age of 93. I know this must be a shock to many of you. Luckily, we here at Standard Deviance have amassed all the news coverage of this astonishing development. First, it appears that the president has been sick for quite some time. It's true, really. Also it has been discovered that President Reagan was not only actor during the 40s and 50s, but he also was the governor of California. One AP writer reported that Reagan "dominated 1980s politics", and we here at Standard Deviance, after much research, have connected this dominance to his 8 year presidency that stretched from 1981 to 1989. We've been told that in a major departure from presidential funeral procedure, President Reagan will be laid in state and then buried. For further coverage on this developing story, stay tuned to Standard Deviance.


Thursday, June 03, 2004

The End of the World is Upon Us 

Don't believe me? Look at the evidence:
  1. New Jersey has banned the hosting of "Ladies Night" at bars. Seriously. David R. Gillepse (who, after this, will never ever get laid again) filed suit against the Coastline club in Cherry Hill claiming they were discriminating against men by using gender-based promotions. The director of the state Division of Civil Rights ruled in favor of Gillepse, and thus ladies night is now banned across New Jersey. Not to fret: there is still much else to do in that glorious state.
  2. Soho House has decided not to renew Choire Sicha's membership. This is perhaps the best thing that has happened to Mr. Sicha since he was labeled a "humorless obnoxious prick" by NY Press. But how will I slag my way into House de Soho now?
  3. Child stars are getting arrested for drunk driving. Both Andrew Keaton (Family Ties) and Brad Taylor(Home Improvement) were pulled over for drunk driving this week. These two were driving around their respective boring home towns with their boring townie friends. Remember child stars of yore? The little dumplings would hang out with Michael Jackson and his monkey (pun intended) and they would pass out in Times Square from doing too much coke. What good entertainment that was, not like these kids now hanging out in Boulder, of all places. Man, I miss those days.
  4. And finally, it appears the kids at NITBC are too tired to party. The world as we know it is over. If you're looking for me I'll be sitting on the top of the Statue of Liberty waiting for the next ice age.


Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Save Standard Deviance!!! 

That's it people. I'm going to the blogosphere for help. It has now been eight, that's right, EIGHT days since my computer cable died and the tracking people at USPS have no clue where my new cable is. So now I'm turning to you. You love me, don't you? Life is hard without your daily dose of the SD, isn't it? So do something about it! If you have a power supply for any of the following Dell Laptops, you can make a difference in the worldwideinterblogospherenet:
INSPIRON 2500 2600 3700 3800 4000 4100 5000 5000e 7500 8000 8100

I have an Inspiron 8100, thus a cable to that laptop would be preferred. If you have a cable sitting around, if your cousin has one, if you there's some guy your friend's hooking up with who has one and you live in New York City, please loan it to me. I will be eternally grateful. And I'll link to you!


Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Service Advisory 

Still no computer cable thus I'm not able to post. Sorry. Try again tomorrow.

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