Mocking the World since 2003

Sunday, February 29, 2004

What Have I Done for You Lately 

** Zellweging: the new black
** SATC sells out.
** The Grey Album rocks. Go get it.
** Eminem sues iTunes for stealing his song.
** Surprise, surprise David Gest is getting more botox.
** Solomon should probably lay off the public admissions of law-breaking.
** Think about chemo the next time you're considering going south for the winter.
** UN politely asks the Brits to STOP BREAKING INTERNATIONAL LAW!
** John and John: Loving each other one day at a time.
** I know who you are, Scott Lapatine.
** Happy New York stories.


Saturday, February 28, 2004

New York Notes: Happy Edition 

Two nice items on New York this week:

Item One: Subway Superstar [via Gothamist]

Liah Bianco, a 28 year old Manhattanite was waiting for the subway one morning a few weeks ago and a homeless man knocked her into the tracks. She tried to pull herself out but couldn't. She yelled for help, but no one responded. Finally a man came and pulled her out of the tracks seconds before a train arrived. Leah was so frazzled that she didn't get her rescuers name, and so went to Daily News with her story. Randy Brown saw her picture on the cover and called the Daily News to tell them he was the rescuer. They look very happy to be reunited, don't they? Standard Deviance is very wary of falling down there, so it's good to know that if it ever happened that there are good people out there who will help.

Item two: Push Button Fun [via NYT]

If you didn't know this already, most of those pedestrian push buttons don't work. Many of us busy city people cross streets in the most efficient manner possible, looking at the buttons with disdain as we quickly avoid getting hit by a taxi. However, many New Yorkers press the button and actually wait at the corner until the walk sign comes up. So, if people know the buttons don't work, why do they still push the button? Benjamin Miles (seen above) answered this question as he was being interviewed just a few blocks away from SD headquarters: "Because it's fun."


Friday, February 27, 2004

Holy Annonymoe Bloggers! 

Hey worldwideblogospherenet©, remember the drama of about a month ago about anonymous blogging and the Outting of Scott Lapatine over at Gothamist? It appears that Monsieur Lapatine has outted himself. Standard Deviance was browsing Bloglines this morning as usual, and lo and behold stereogum's name has changed to scott lapatine's stereogum. Go check it out for yourself. It's listed on the top of the browser window when you open the site.

Well, what have we learned from this exercise?
  1. Anonymous bloggers should not take interviews with the NEW YORK POST if they want to remain anonymous.
  2. Bloggers out there should refrain from lecturing other bloggers on the correct code of conduct.
  3. Everyone in the uniblogiverse® should just chill out already and remember that this is all supposed to be fun.

Related Posts:
The "Lively Conversation" has been Closed
Shreds of Neighborhoodies are Flying at Gothamist
Week in Blog

They Laugh Alike, They Walk Alike, At Times They Even Talk Alike 

Excerpts from last nights Democratic Debate moderated by Larry King.

On Gay Marriage
KERRY: I think, in fact, that no state has to recognize something that is against their public policy. And for 200 years, we have left marriage up to the states.

EDWARDS: I believe that this is an issue that ought to be decided in the states. I think the federal government should honor whatever decision is made by the states.

On Special Interests
KERRY: I am the only United States senator who's been elected four times currently serving who has never accepted political action committee money in any of my races for the United States Senate. No checks from those interests.

EDWARDS: Senator Kerry made this point about himself. I've never taken money from a special interest PAC, myself.

On Running Together
KING: Would you run with John Kerry?

EDWARDS: I think an Edwards-Kerry ticket would be powerful.
And that's the ticket that I think we should have.

EDWARDS: He certainly should be considered. He's a very, very good friend

KERRY: I want to thank him for the consideration. I appreciate it.

On The Love They Feel For Each Other:
KERRY: I think he's a great communicator. He's a charming guy. I like him very much. He's a good friend of mine.

EDWARDS: I mean, he's a good man. He's a good candidate. He'd make a good president. And I'd be the first to say that.

Complete Transcript: Democrats Participate in Calif. Debate [WP]


Thursday, February 26, 2004

Advice to the UN: Stop Being So Damn Polite! 

One of Tony Blair's former ministers, Clare Snow, has alleged that the British government was spying on Kofi Annan during the period leading up to the Iraq war. Here are some of the UN's responses:

"We would be disappointed if this were true."

"We're throwing down a red flag and saying that if this is true, please stop it,"

"The secretary-general therefore would want this practice stopped, if indeed it exists."

Please stop illegally spying on the Secretary General and thus placing all international relations into jeopardy. Pretty please! With sugar on top! And a cherry!

New York Times

Divine Retribution? 

On Sex and the City, Samantha had to wrestle with the possibility that her choice not to have children made her more vulnerable to breast cancer. Well, if the writers were trying to make a point maybe they should have picked oral cancer, which has recently been connected to oral sex. Either that or Magda could have screamed "YOU'RE A WHORE, SAMANTHA!"


Related Posts:
Sex and the City Finale


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Advice for Rick Solomon: Don't Brag about Statutory Rape 

Page Six covered Rick Solomon's appearance on the Howard Stern Show [See UPDATE].
Salomon also blabbed that he bedded Drew Barrymore "when she was, like, 15 and I was, like, 20 . . . I think I got her when she was pretty darn hot."
Now, Standard Deviance knows there are a lot of pseudo-celebrities out there who aren't too bright, but most know enough not to announce on a nationally syndicated show that they have broken the law. In most states if someone 18 or older has sex with someone under 16, that qualifies as statutory rape. Does anyone know the statute of limitations in California? Press charges, Drew! Get this nasty piece of skank off the street!

UPDATE: Howard Stern's show was suspended by Clear Channel following Rick Solomon's interview on Tuesday. Here's how the Post described what happened: "During the segment, a caller, using a racist term, asked Solomon if he had ever had sex with a famous black woman and then made the tasteless remarks."

Page Six

I Knew It!! 

The Smoking Gun reports that the injections David Gest had to his head were Botox injections.

Let's look back at an SD post from January 8:
Hmm, let me think. David Gest. Close friend of Michael Jackson. His face looks strikingly like a rubber mask. Obviously he's had a bit too much plastic surgery. Yet, he had "20 injections in his head" to supposedly cure his injuries. Of course the injections were of some medical nature, certainly not botox. I believe that.
Obviously Standard Deviance is in the same league with Miss Cleo when it comes to predicting the future.


Tuesday, February 24, 2004

More Copyright Infringement Amusement 

Eminem's music publisher, Eight Mile Style, is suing Apple Computers for copyright infringement. Apple had a 10 year old sing "Lose Yourself" in an iTunes commercial that appeared on MTV.

That's right: iTunes, the service created to provide an alternative to the copyright infringement of file-sharing systems, is being sued for copyright infringement. Oh the irony.


Related Post:
Winning an iTunes Song? A Question of Economics.

Why is Standard Deviance Grey? 

Today is Grey Tuesday, a day designated for websites to show their support for Danger Mouse's Grey Album. Here's a synopsis of what the Grey Album is and what the protest is about:
DJ Danger Mouse created a remix of Jay-Z's the Black Album and the Beatles White Album, and called it the Grey Album. Jay-Z's record label, Roc-A-Fella, released an a capella version of his Black Album specifically to encourage remixes like this one. But despite praise from music fans and major media outlets like Rolling Stone ("an ingenious hip-hop record that sounds oddly ahead of its time") and the Boston Globe (which called it the "most creatively captivating" album of the year), EMI has sent cease and desist letters demanding that stores destroy their copies of the album and websites remove them from their site. EMI claims copyright control of the Beatles 1968 White Album....Tuesday, February 24 will be a day of coordinated civil disobedience: websites will post Danger Mouse's Grey Album on their site for 24 hours in protest of EMI's attempts to censor this work.
Standard Deviance has been listening to the Grey Album for about a week now and I love it. I listened to the White Album almost every day of 11th grade, so the Grey Album is particularly interesting to me. I urge you all to go download it because it is a great album. It's just an added benefit that it is pissing EMI off.

UPDATE: Grey Tuesday made the news.


Monday, February 23, 2004

Sex and the City Finale 

I had some major issues with the last 3 episodes of Sex and the City, and sadly those problems weren't really resolved last night. I'm happy Carrie left Aleksandr Petrovsky as he was a presumptive arrogant jerk from the beginning. It's also sweet that she ended up with Big (or shall we call him John) in the end. However Standard Deviance is of the opinion that the story line of the last 3 episodes basically undermines the point of the entire series.

CBS's Sunday Morning had an opinion piece on the end of SATC that compared Carrie to Mary Tyler Moore to show Carrie's new path. Mary Tyler Moore had a great job, great friends, and sometimes she would have a boyfriend but it wasn't that important. She was fine on her own. However, Carrie of recent weeks has acted as if she is not fine on her own. The only fate possible for her if she continues to be single is that of Lexi Featherston, the 49 year old party girl who falls out a window after declaring "I'm so bored I could die."

She is so afraid of becoming like Lexi that she leaves her career, her friends, and her city to move to Paris with her "lovah" so she won't grow old and alone. Finally she determines she's not happy in Paris and tells the Russian that she wants to be "in love" with someone. She leaves and runs into Big and they go home and live happily ever after.

I am sorry, but this is a sad and pathetic end to the show. The most important theme throughout the series has been the friendship of the 4 women. Why was Sex and the City revolutionary? Because it said it's okay, it's even a good thing to be single in the city and for your friends to be your family. Men are nice to have around but they are not necessary and do not define you. However, this entire storyline of Carrie having to find a man to complete her life, whether it be Big or Petrovsky is lame. It undermines the point of the entire six seasons, which was the strength of the friendships. The final shot of Sex and the City should not have been Carrie walking down the street answering a call from John. It should have been the four of them together eating, walking, whatever.

You can argue that this idea of life is false. You can argue that women do need men to be happy, that they need to have a family outside of their girl friends, that Big should be the most important person to Carrie. Fine. But that's not what SATC is about. The show has always been about affirming a single life as a real, viable, good option for a woman, and for all of those who have been inspired by that message, this story line was a stab in the back.

Don't get Standard Deviance wrong, I still love Sex and the City. I'm happy Carrie and Big got together and that the rest of the girls seem to be working out their problems. But it would have been nicer for us loyal and faithful fans who always believed in the original message of Sex and the City if we hadn't been insulted in the final three episodes.

By the way... What the hell were Alanis Morissette and Star Jones doing commentating on the retrospective? Like I care what they think!

Zellweging: Makes Zeta-Jonesing Look Attractive 

Oh, Renee. Perhaps because you were speaking to the Austrian magazine News you thought your comments would never be seen stateside. Well, here they are via Ananova. Zellweger is nominated for an Oscar in the Best Supporting Actress Category for her work in Cold Mountain. She stated that she is the best candidate in the category: "I've certainly earned the award. Last year I was nominated for Chicago but I left empty-handed." She went on to say "I think this year Hollywood will be fair."

So we have a new word:
Zellweg (v): to make obnoxiously over-confident assertions of one's own successes.
Example Sentence:
John zellweged to all his friends that he could easily bang his administrative assistant, only to discover later that she often made fun of his hairpiece and referred to him as Lumbergh.
Synonyms: brag, boast
Related Words: Zeta-Jones


Sunday, February 22, 2004

What Have I Done For You Lately 

** Real World's David asks hooker to "come on be [his] baby tonight."
** Kerry-gate ends., Drudge gets many angry glares.
** Canadians can't take a joke.
** Johnny Cash + hemorrhoid Cream = GROSS!
** Bob Dole is funny. Really. I'm not joking.
** The economics of free iTunes.
** Best story of the year ruined by the New York Post.
** Guess What? ATMs aren't particularly portable. Shocking!
** Be glad there are no stick figures in the WTC memorial design.


Friday, February 20, 2004

It Could Be Worse 

The finalists and the winner of the WTC memorial competition have been much criticized in New York. However it could be worse:

This is entry #089187 to the memorial competition. Just be thankful that there are no stick figures in the winner's design.

New York Times

ATM Theft 

The Dayton Daily News recently reported on the theft and recovery of an ATM machine in Dayton, Ohio. Two men were seen dragging the ATM machine out of the store. Police were led to the apartment of the burglar by a trail of debris from the machine, including the ATM sign.

It seems the burglars did not watch Barbershop, otherwise they would have known the difficulties associated with stealing an ATM machine.

This is not too surprising given 82% of Dayton's population is white. And we all know white folk don't like to watch black movies unless they are about Muslims overcoming adversity.

Trail of broken parts leads police to cash machine thief [Ananova]


Thursday, February 19, 2004

Celebrity In-gest: Diana Ross and David Gest to Marry.  


The UK's Daily Express is reporting that Diana Ross and David Gest have gotten engaged (see UPDATE)despite Ross's close friendship with Liza Minelli, Gest's soon-to-be ex-wife. Gest and Ross became close following Ross's arrest for driving under the influence. Gest has had legal problems of his own. He sued Liza for supposedly repeatedly beating him to such an extent that he now has to get injections in his head. Diana Ross also has a history of violence. Most recently she was arrested for assaulting a security guard at Heathrow in 1999.

David Gest is divorcing one drunken abusive diva to marry another drunken abusive diva. I wonder if the tautness of his face is somehow compressing his brain and impairing his ability to choose a mate. Actually, we'd prefer it if he didn't mate at all.


UPDATE: In the most boring denial ever Diana Ross's spokesman said "She is not dating David Gest. She is not engaged to David Gest." SNOOZE! Why, oh why, New York Post did you have to ruin the funniest quasi-news item of the week?

New York Post

Related Posts:
Stop Mutilating Yourself!!

Winning an iTunes Song? A Question of Economics. 

Thanks to the folks at MacMerc, many people in the blogging community are now well versed in the art of picking a winner in the Pepsi iTunes contest. However, we here at Standard Deviance believe that a key issue has been overlooked and wanted to bring it to your attention before you go out buying Pepsi bottles willy-nilly: Do you even want the Pepsi?

I know the idea of a sure win seems like a no brainer - look under the cap, buy the winner, get a free song. However, you have to ask yourself, do you want the Pepsi in the first place? According to our unscientific study, a 12oz Pepsi in New York City can cost you up to $1.25, and we certainly haven't seen one for less than $1 in a very long time. An song off of iTunes costs $0.99. Lets say you don't particularly like Pepsi, but you want a free mp3. Using our example, the Pepsi you consume must be worth at least $0.26 to you for it to make sense to buy the soda for the mp3. Otherwise you should just log on to the Apple website and buy the song for the regular $0.99. If you hate Pepsi and are just going to pour it down the drain and keep the cap you'd be absolutely crazy to buy the Pepsi for the free song.

Also, you have to think of the opportunity cost of redeeming the cap. By opportunity cost we mean how much is the time worth to you that you will spend redeeming this prize. First off you have to make sure you don't throw it away. Then you have to not lose it before the next time you get a chance to get on the computer. Also, are you an iTunes user? If not you will have to download the iTunes software, install it, and then enter the iTunes code from the cap into the system. Finally, all the Pepsi iTunes credits have to be redeemed by April 30, 2004. If you leave the cap to collect dust in your bag for a few months you may forget to redeem it before it expires. Are you willing to pay $0.26 for a free song that entails this much of a hassle?

If you were going to buy the Pepsi anyway, this is a boon. You get a soda you wanted plus a free song. However, if you are even slightly motivated to buy the Pepsi for the free song, let Standard Deviance give you some advice: Buy a Coke. It tastes better, and you can still download the song off of Kazaa for free.


Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Bob Dole is Funny. Who Knew? 

Bob Dole was yucking it up on Larry King last night while covering the Wisconsin polls.
In regards to John Edwards close second finish, here's what Bob Dole said:
KING: Do you have a question, Bob Dole, for our friend, Senator Edwards?
DOLE: Yes. Is Senator Kerry on your short list for a running- mate?


EDWARDS: Bob, I'm finally glad somebody asked me that question. I would certainly give him very serious consideration.

DOLE: That sounds good to me. Thanks.
Methinks Edwards laughed a little too hard at that joke.

And this regarding Kerry's projected first place finish:
KING: Bob, we'll be seeing you on March 2, of course. Any quick thoughts on the projection of Kerry?

DOLE: Well, again, it's a win is a win, as I said earlier, but you've got to give John Edwards credit. The few times he made a visit there, and the fact that the race is so close, and I know CNN never makes a mistake, but it still might turn out the other way. But I look forward to seeing you and have a good debate.
Dole, of course, is referring to the 2000 election when CNN called Florida for Gore and then had to retract it and reclassify Florida as too close to call.

Man, that's probably the most I've ever laughed watching Larry King, given he tends to put me asleep. Maybe Conan can replace Triumph the Insult Comic Dog with Bob Dole the Witty Comic Senator. Maybe the Canadians would prefer if Conan's comic troupe had foreign relations experience.

Larry King Transcript

Sparse Posting 

Terribly sorry but posting may be very light until 2 or so. I've got all this work to do at work today (scandalous) and I stupidly didn't come up with anything witty to write last night. For the meantime here's something to amuse you : Guess the Dictator and/or Television Sit-Com Character

Think of a dictator or sitcom character and answer the yes or no questions appropriately. It is amazingly accurate.


Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Ring of Fire 

An advertising team in Florida wanted to use the Johnny Cash classic "Ring of Fire" in a commercial for hemorrhoid-relief products. The Cash family said "We would never allow the song to be demeaned like that."

EW! Not only is it gross to think about a ring of fire around someone's butthole, but it's even more gross to think about a ring of fire around Johnny Cash's butthole. That's just wrong.


Canadians: American Light 

As I am sure many of you have heard, the Canadians are up in arms over the comments of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Triumph trolled the streets of Quebec looking for people to make fun of. Here are some of the gems he let loose:
So you're French and Canadian, yes? You're obnoxious and dull.
I can tell you're French, you know. You have that proud expression, that superior look.
Are you a separatist? Maybe you should try separating yourself from doughnuts first.
The people of Canada were not amused. Stephen Harper, a Member of Parliament and who may run for Prime Minister said "We can all make jokes about each other but you don't start telling people in Quebec they have to speak another language."

I have several comments for the people of Canada.
  1. The puppet's name is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. Insult is part of his name. He will insult you. It is nothing against the people of Quebec or the French. Insulting is what he does
  2. He is a puppet. Mr. Harper, do you realize who told the people in Quebec that they have to speak another language? A DOG PUPPET! Would you normally listen to the instructions of a real dog, never mind a sock?
Standard Deviance has always been quick to come to the defense of other countries, but our resolve with defending Canada is being tested by this incident. Luckily, there is a one Ms. Rosie Dimanno of the Toronto Star who seems to get the joke. Hopefully the people who are offended by this up in Canada are the same sorts of people who want to ban Janet Jackson from appearing on TV down here, and Standard Deviance wouldn't like those sorts of people anyway.

New York Times
The Toronto Star

Intern, er, Random Young Journalist Denies Affair with Kerry 

The woman rumored of having an affair with John Kerry spoke out to the Associated Press. She denies it all, currently has a fiance, was never a Kerry intern, and actually never worked for Kerry at all. It turns out that she used to go out with Kerry Finance Director Peter Maroney, and used to joke she was dating the next president.

Oh, I get it. Ha ha. So Wesley Clark and Drudge attempted to take down the campaign of the Democratic frontrunner, the man most Democratic voters believe can beat Bush, because they misunderstood a joke. Good work, guys. Now you look like the asses.

The Boston Globe

Come On Be My Baby Tonight 

David from the Real World New Orleans was arrested last week for soliciting the services of a $10 hooker. I'm serious. I guess he was just tryin' to talk with her and whatever, and then woo woo, the cops just busted his ass. Damn, people are always hatin' on David like that.

The Smoking Gun
Real World New Orleans


Monday, February 16, 2004

I Love Long Weekends 

I know many of you poor New Yorkers have to work today, and to you I say "NYAH NYAH I DON'T HAVE TO!"

Posting will be light as I am trying to do something interesting with my day off. I'll be back in full force tomorrow.


Sunday, February 15, 2004

What have I Done for You Lately? 

Recent goings-on at SD headquarters:

Moby gives ridiculous advice on how the Democrats can win.
Dean the schizo says he will stay in the race after Wisconsin after all.
Put a Valentine's Day ad in the Post or on Standard Deviance.
Watch out for pressure cookers, they might cook food or something.
Martha Stewart's To Do list.
Tatu wants to stop creating scandals and start making deep music. What a shame.
Prince Harry was seen with some girl somewhere. The Shame!
More Dean insanity - He thinks Edwards is the most electable.
Kerry-Intern non-scandal is covered excessively here, here, here, and here.
Standard Deviance had an extreme makeover. Do you like our new tables and our collagen lips?
Prince supports abstinence.
CBS executives must be very tired of defending themselves.
God hates us Red Sox fans. A-Rod goes to the Yankees.

A-Rod a Yankee? 

The Yankees are trying to trade Alfonso Soriano for A-Rod. The plan is to have Alex Rodriguez replace injured Aaron Boone at third base. Aaron Boone, the man behind the game winning 11th inning home run in the American League Championship, injured his knee during a pick-up basketball game.

This is a perfect example of Red Sox Karma. Aaron Boone, who snatched the World Series from the Red Sox, gets injured only to be replaced by the very player the Red Sox failed to get for themselves. Whatever, we still have Nomah and now we have Curt Schilling, so the Yankees still suck in comparison.


Saturday, February 14, 2004

Outkast Backlash 

We knew this was coming. CBS had to apologize AGAIN, but this time it was for Outkast's performance of Hey Ya! at the Grammys. The performance included a neon green tee-pee, hot girls with fringed costumes and feathers in their hair, and a marching band wearing warpaint. The Native American Cultural Center was outraged by the performance and subsequently organized a boycott of CBS, Arista Records, and the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.

It gets better: CBS apologized by saying the network was "very sorry if anyone was offended."
Apparently the NACC was not satisfied with this and has thus published a 6-point apology guide for CBS.

So, let me get this straight: CBS is against boobies but for the further degradation of an already marginalized group. Kudos, CBS! Way to prioritize!

Drudge is Full of It 

The Kerry intern story makes the cover of the New York Post. He said "I just deny it categorically. It's rumor. It's untrue. Period." Additionally, Wonkette has reported that the woman in question has told friends that the whole story is a bunch of crap and that she'll be stateside by the end of the month.

Phew, we were worried. Standard Deviance didn't want people to make Monica jokes every time they saw The Office of Senator John Kerry on our resume.


Friday, February 13, 2004

Wear White to Show You Ain't Getting Any 

This Valentines Friday, teenagers across the country will be wearing white t-shirts to show that they are waiting until marriage to do the deed. This mass-act of poor fashion is called the Day of Purity. Check out the t-shirts:

I didn't know that Prince was saving himself for marriage. In this era of Janet Jackson's breast bearing, it's refreshing to see a celebrity put his symbol behind his beliefs.

Day of Purity
Yahoo News

Kerry Updates 

  • The UK media is consuming the Drudge Kerry-Intern story the way that Teresa Heinz consumes botox. In addition to the news sources cited by yours truly yesterday, Ananova is now covering it.
  • More from London: The UK Sun has the story including the intern's name and a few quotes from her parents. The parents said Kerry was "after her" but the Sun noted that "there is no evidence the pair had an affair".
  • Some Americans are getting in on the act. Rush Limbaugh's got the story and is listing it with the hilarious headline "Leheinious Fingerprints on Kerry Story?" referring to the always scrupulous behavior of Clark's Press Secretary Chris Lehane.
  • However this whole story is a little fishy now that Clark has decided to endorse Kerry. Why would he make this remark even off the record if he planned to endorse Kerry if he lost? Sounds like a Dean schizo move to me.
  • Kerry was on Imus in the Morning today and discussed the Drudge accusations. According to Wonkette his response was "There's nothing to report, there's nothing to talk about, I'm not going to talk about it." Standard Deviance hasn't been able to find a transcript so this is not an exact quote.


New JFK hit by scandal [UK SUN]
Website links Democrat Kerry to 'runaway trainee' [Ananova]
Leheinious Fingerprints on Kerry Story? [Rush Limbaugh]
Kerry Wins Clark's Backing, Republican Attacks [Reuters]
Will the Floodgates Open Now? Kerry Goes on Record About Intern [Wonkette]

Related Posts:
Crappy Crap Crap Crap
Standard Deviance Goes to New Hampshire
Highlights from New Hampshire
Photos from New Hampshire

I am Pretty, Oh So Pretty 

Yes, this is still your old friend Standard Deviance, just with a cut-color-blowdry. The page is still a work in progress, but it is much improved now that it looks a tad different from the Blogger templates.

Let me know what you think: email me or leave a comment below.


Thursday, February 12, 2004

British-Irish coverage of Kerry Scandal 

As of now, no major US news source has published anything on the Kerry Intern issue online, but the UK and Ireland are all over it. Check out the headlines:

Mystery of Kerry and the Intern [The Scotsman]
Intern allegations threaten Kerry campaign [Irish Examiner]
Intern allegations threaten Kerry campaign [Ireland Online]

Is the US news media asleep on the job? Does the news media on the other side of the pond think he's Irish, as many in Boston did for years, and that's why they're covering it? Is it that the US media realizes that Drudge saying that he heard someone say something vague off the record is not a very good source with which to base a huge story like this? Do the Scots and Irish hate Kerry for some reason?

Any ideas? Maybe the intern fled to the British Isles. Hmmm.

Crappy Crap Crap Crap 

Loyal readers may remember that Standard Deviance has been a Kerry supporter from way back in my college intern days. Thus I am very very afraid of what I just read at the Drudge Report:
A frantic behind-the-scenes drama is unfolding around Sen. John Kerry and his quest to lockup the Democratic nomination for president, the DRUDGE REPORT can reveal.

Intrigue surrounds a woman who recently fled the country, reportedly at the prodding of Kerry, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

A serious investigation of the woman and the nature of her relationship with Sen. John Kerry has been underway at TIME magazine, ABC NEWS, the WASHINGTON POST, THE HILL and the ASSOCIATED PRESS, where the woman in question once worked.


A close friend of the woman first approached a reporter late last year claiming fantastic stories -- stories that now threaten to turn the race for the presidency on its head!

In an off-the-record conversation with a dozen reporters earlier this week, General Wesley Clark plainly stated: "Kerry will implode over an intern issue." [Three reporters in attendance confirm Clark made the startling comments.]

The Kerry commotion is why Howard Dean has turned increasingly aggressive against Kerry in recent days, and is the key reason why Dean reversed his decision not to drop out of the race after Wisconsin, top campaign sources tell the DRUDGE REPORT.
Shit. And no, the intern in question was not Standard Deviance. Please, I prefer my men younger than my father.

Related Posts:
Standard Deviance Goes to New Hampshire
Highlights from New Hampshire
Photos from New Hampshire

Howard Dean to Voters: Edwards, er, Dean in '04! 

Loyal readers may remember that on Monday Dean encouraged voters to ignore all rationality and vote for him as "the strongest candidate to beat George W. Bush". Since then, Dean has announced that the strongest candidate is actually John Edwards, to which Edwards replied "I agree with that. I think that he is a very wise man."

Uh, hate to quibble with Johnny E. given that he's so dreamy looking and all, but how wise can he be if he's telling people someone else is the strongest candidate? Is he trying the third grade I'll-vote-for-you-if-you-vote-for-me thing? Standard Deviance tried that and lost our Student Council seat to a dirty back-stabber named Janelle. Trust me Dean, it never works.

Washington Times [via Wonkette]

Related Posts:
News Flash: Dean Officially Democratic Party's Worst Nightmare

SCANDAL: Prince Harry went out with his Mother's Ex-lover's Ex-Girlfriend's Daughter!  

Here is a quote from an Ananova article on Prince Harry. I kid you not.

"Prince Harry has been seen out on the town with the daughter of the former mistress of his mother's ex-lover."

Okay lets trace this back. Harry's mother was Princess Diana. Diana had a lover named James Hewitt. James Hewitt went out with Kate Simon for two years. Kate Simon has a daughter named Camilla. And scandal of all scandals, Prince Harry and Camilla Simon were both seen in a group of 20 at Boujis in London. They arrived seperately and left seperately.

Oh fate-of-fates, after all poor Harry has been through with the loss of his mother, imagine how hard it must be for him to go out in a large group with her ex-lover's ex-girlfriend's daugther. What star-crossed loose acquaintances they are. For never was a story of more woe than this of Camilla and her Harry-o.

Romeo and Juliet


Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Tatu to World: Teenage Lesbian Strippers have Minds Too. 

The girls from Tatu are looking to trade in their manager for someone who takes their music career more seriously, reports Ananova. "He spends his time thinking up scandals instead of planning our artistic work. I'm sure our fans would rather hear new songs and new albums than new scandals, " said Julia Volkova.

Actually, Tatu, the world wants more new scandals. The MTV Movie Awards performance made parents everywhere gasp in horror and that's the sort of thing I like to see from pop culture. I want more throngs of schoolgirls stripping and making out. Actually, I would prefer throngs of schoolboys, sweaty from just having gym class, storming the stage and gyrating madly..... oh, did I say that out loud? Excuse me.

However, if they do break from their manager they will have to change their name as he owns the rights. I think they should either go with "utaT" or "Deep-Thinking Lesbian Children".

All the Things She Said [Ananova]

What Martha's To Do List May Look Like 

To Do, December 27
  • Make another batch of plum pudding.
  • Add Daniel Wolf to helicopter passenger list.
  • Change Japanese shopping center opening to Sunday, March 23.
  • Purchase 4 tabletop lamps and chaise lounge.
  • Give $25,000 to Barnard.
  • Dump ImClone Stock.
Just an average day in the life of a media tycoon/domestic goddess/insider trader.

The Smoking Gun


Tuesday, February 10, 2004

By the Way... 

  • Jude Law is launching a campaign to save the Young Vic, a theater in London dedicated to creating a "home for younger theatre artists, especially directors." The theatre is in need of a 2.5 million pound renovation. Standard Deviance saw Jude Law star in Doctor Faustus at the Young Vic a few years ago and I found the small theater in the round and Jude's performance quite enjoyable, although he did spit when he enunciated. Save the Vic, Jude!
  • As no doubt many of you have heard, Sex and the City may have a movie in the works. After the Brooklyn-bashing and Carrie's lame-ness of late, Standard Deviance wishes SATC would just end already so we all can be left with the good memories. This whole "the end of an era" bullshit is ruining the show.
  • This is why I am not a model [via Swamp City].

    That and my short stature/large pantsize.

Pressure-Cooker Alert! 

Reminiscent of the Almanac Alert issued around the holidays, those cracker-jack agents over at Homeland Security have issued a Pressure-Cooker Alert. Pressure Cookers, more commonly known as Crockpots, could create a dangerous explosion....if explosives were to be inserted inside.

Homeland Security then went on to warn local police to watch out for matches, as they could be used to light explosives, boxes or containers, as they could be used to hold explosives, cars, as they could be used to transport explosives, and money, as it could be used to buy explosives. They are nothing if not thorough.

The Crime of Crockpots [WP]

Related Posts:
Almanac Alert!!

Show That Special Someone You Care 

I know many of my loyal readers are struggling with what to buy that boyfriend, girlfriend, or crush this special long Valentine's weekend. Most gift-less lovers will come purchase one of the golden three: Flowers, Chocolate, or Jewlery. But for those of you who are feeling more creative, a three-line Valentines Day ad in the New York Post can be purchased for the steal of $18.95. An example:
Will you dump Samantha for me? I
like Raw Food too. Kisses - Ellen
Why get that special someone chocolate or flowers, which could last a week, or jewelry, which could last a lifetime, when for the price of 3 grocery-store tulip bouquets you can print 3 meaningless lines on biodegradable paper.

So, in the holiday spirit, Standard Deviance is providing a similar Valentines Day Ad promotion. However, our ads will cost a measly $5.00 for 50 lines, and you will even be sent a paper print-out tied with a red bow. Send your ads to Standard Deviance.

Happy Valentines Day! [NYP]


Monday, February 09, 2004

News Flash: Dean Officially Democratic Party's Worst Nightmare 

Dean started off the day today by encouraging Cheeseheads to ignore the media, the polls, and the theory of evolution in order to "choose the strongest candidate to beat George W. Bush,", and in Dean's la-la land, that candidate is him. He ended the day by announcing that he will stay in the race even if he loses Wisconsin, admitting that this directly contradicts his previous statements.
Let me see if I can go through Dean's thought processes
  • Gee everyone thinks I'm going to lose. I guess if I want to keep running I have to convince people to vote for me even though everyone thinks I'm going to get trounced.
  • Wait, after I did that, they still think I'm going to lose. I'm screwed! Man, I like playing president. I don't want to go home. I don't want to! I want a take back! Take back, take back, I'm staying in the race.
There's the Dean we know and love. Kinda crazy, out of touch with reality, and blinded by a primal desire for power.

Somewhere Terry McAuliffe's head is exploding.

Dean Begs for Votes in Wisconsin [AP]
Dean is Desperate to Stay in the Race [NYT]

Celebrity Endorsements: Healing the World One Stupid Comment at a Time 

Recently celebrities have been lending their clout to political issues and these endorsements have brought about amazing changes in the political landscape. For example, several weeks ago Michael Moore endorsed Clark and labeled Bush a deserter in one breath. It was endorsements like this that brought Clark's poll numbers to where they are today. Also, that deep thinker Drew Barrymore was designated a "Friend of the UN" last week. She made the UN look super-smart by saying things like "To be philanthropic is weirdly not as easy as you want it to be because the information and the resources aren't as available as they should be." I know, Drew. Libraries are very daunting. First you have to find the books, and then you have to read them.

But recent celebrity endorsements were topped off by Moby's genius idea for how John Kerry can win the general election in November.
You target [Bush's] natural constituencies. For example, you can go on all the pro-life chat rooms and say you're an outraged right-wing voter and that you know that George Bush drove an ex-girlfriend to an abortion clinic and paid for her to get an abortion. Then you go to an anti-immigration Web site chat room and ask, 'What's all this about George Bush proposing amnesty for illegal aliens?'
Perfect. Then you, like, send letter bombs full of shards of glass and Ricin to, I don't know, say Billy Graham and include a note that says "Hugs and Kisses, Dubya". Not only will Billy Graham and the entire Christian Coalition think that Bush is trying to mail bomb them, but since you signed the card "Dubya" they'll never suspect a Kerry supporter of being the true source. Excellent suggestion. Keep up the good work, Moby.


Sunday, February 08, 2004

Week In Blog 

  • This week marked the onset of the Great Blog Controversy of 2004. This controversy was tipped off by a post on Gothamist regarding anonymous bloggers which prompted a blog-back of enormous proportions, the sentiments of which are best represented on tablet PC [Gothamist]. Following the brou-ha-ha, Whatevs announced "being anonymous is the new being well hung" and Euro Beyonce Trash Jr III dedicated herself to the outting of all anonymobloggers out there. Additionally the GBC 2004 created an entire lexicon to describe anonymous blogging including anonymoes [Eebmore], anonybloggers [Salon], and my personal favorite anonybloggeranamouses [Wonkette].
  • Following the GBC 2004, the blog reaction to Janet Jacksons "wardrobe malfunction" seems almost calm. However, there was a lag time between 8-ish Sunday night and the time on Monday morning that "The Outting of Scott Lapatine" was published, so there were a few entries on Tittygate. Gawker pointed out that when your brother's in the news for child molestation, it may not be such a bright idea to keep the family name in the news, Gothamist reminded us of a simpler time when Janet's biggest controversy was whether she popped Willis' cherry, and D-Nasty composed a lovely haiku to Janet's breast.
  • I think there's some sort of election thing going on, or something? I heard something about drinks based on candidates [Swamp City], but I was far more interested on the pastry homage to Janet's ample boosm [The Amateur Gourmet].
  • Sorry, but other than the GBC 2004 and Janet's Boobage, there was really nothing else going on this week. Sure there was the launch of the Gothamist interview and then Eurotrash's ensuing spoof, but really I wasn't interested, so let me end with the following, compliments of Low Culture:

    Walk on, King Rum-ankhamun, walk on.


Friday, February 06, 2004

Janet Continues to Piss People Off 

If you have turned on the TV or opened a newspaper this week, you've most certainly realized that everyone and their brother is super-pissed at Janet Jackson for the Super Bowl Halftime stunt.

Here's the Rollcall:
-Justin Timberlake
-Parents in Laguna Beach (where a MTV Reality Series was to be filmed in their highschool. Following the incident they have rescinded their permission for filming)
-Terri Carlin of Knoxville, TN
(who filed a class action lawsuit for being "injured by their actions during the halftime show")

But the people with the biggest beef are certainly the proprietors of DeMask the New York fetish boutique where Janet bought the leather bustier. DeMask feels its reputation of making quality leather and rubber tie-me-up-and-spank-me gear has been tarnished by the event. Sam Hill, the manager of DeMask told Ananova that there is no way the bustier would have ripped like that. "They took off the studs that kept the cup in place and replaced them with snaps so the top could just come off," she said.

So, let me get this straight. Janet Jackson (along with the help of Mr. Timberlake and an over-zealous news media) has single handedly caused the cancellation of the Pro-Bowl's halftime show and thus the elimination of an excellent gig for Mr. Chasez, the installation of time delay of the Grammys, the cancellation of a MTV reality series, the filing of a class action lawsuit, and the defamation of the product of a hard-working fetish boutique. That makes all the fuss about the Michael Jackson interviews seem trivial.

Rollcall of Jackson Complaintants [WP]
DeMask is DeFamed [Ananova]

Ed Bradley: Jacko Just Keeps Screwing him Over 

Standard Deviance has been following the media scandals surrounding Michael Jackson, CBS, and NBC. It seems that even before the scandal of CBS paying for an interview tarnished 60 Minute's and Ed Bradley's reputations, Jackson screwed Bradley out of the much jockeyed-over February interview. Following Martin Bashir's documentary there was a bidding war between the networks over an interview with Jackson. You may remember that NBC offered Jacko $5 million for the rights to the footage and said that if he interviewed with them, Dateline would not air a special entitled "Michael Jackson, Unmasked".

According to Ed Bradley in an interview on Larry King Live, 60 Minutes had the inside track on the February interview and was even set up to have the interview at Neverland. While Jackson was upstairs getting ready, Marlon Brando called and informed him that the sealed documents from the original child molestation case had been released on the internet and was going to be all over the tabloids the next day. The Smoking Gun announced yesterday that they were the internet source. Jackson never came back for the interview. He just "disappeared".

Bradley also spoke about the holiday interview scandal. He said that there was never a quid pro quo for the interview and the special. He said that while CBS would never tell Jackson that they would pay him more for the special if he did the interview, they did say that they wouldn't air the special unless he did an interview.

I'm sorry, but that still sounds like shady dealings to me. The only way CBS can claim no fault is to say that the interview had no connection to the special, although perhaps Ed Bradley can absolve himself since he personally had no power over whether the special aired. Seriously, all these journalists should just stay away from Michael Jackson interviews. Trying to get one of those requires signing a deal with the devil, and does Ed Bradley really want his wife to have to give birth to the Devil's spawn just to advance his own career? I think not.

Transcript of Larry King's Ed Bradley Interview
The Smoking Gun's copy of the Declaration

Related Posts:
Does No One Have Integrity Anymore?
More Michael Jackson Media Scandals


Thursday, February 05, 2004

French Children to Attend School in the Nude due to Religious Restrictions 

In their quest to make French life secular, the French parliament is discussing whether to ban the wearing of "religious items" to schools. These items may include headscarves, skullcaps, large crosses, turbans and bandanas. It has even been suggested that beards could be banned if they are worn for religious reasons.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but in Genesis, Adam and Eve lived blissfully ignorant and naked until the Serpent convinced Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Once she did, she and Adam realized that they were naked and thus they clothed themselves. So for Christians and Jews, the simple wearing of clothes cold be considered a religious act, and the clothes themselves could be banned.

Don't get me wrong, Standard Deviance is all for nudity, but most high-school boys have enough trouble concentrating when the girls around them are clothed. Plus the French fashion industry would take a huge hit.



Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Silly Europeans, Space Exploration is for Americans 

Once again, Europe is the sad big brother whose little brother's achievements have far surpassed his own and thus now spends half his time smoking and swearing at the little brother and the other half of his time trying to catch up. The European Space Agency has announced that they will put a man on mars between 2030 and 2035.

However, an authority on the subject has voiced his concerns. Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise stated that he "would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilisations out onto other planets." He then went on to point out that the Federation did not establish a colony on Mars until 2203 which was 42 years after the founding of the Federation, and given that Earth in the year 2004 yet to even establish contact with other planets, never mind form a union of Federation caliber, the mission must be aborted. However he did note that the Klingons should be consulted as they have much knowledge in the colonization of planets.

Related Post:
2004: A Space Odyssey

Oklahoma, OK! 

After winning Oklahoma by a scant 1,275 votes, General Wesley Clark said "Oklahoma is O.K. by me!"

We have some slogans for the other candidates:

John Kerry - "Delaware is DE-Lightful!"
John Edwards - "South Carolina is Souper Douper!"
Howard Dean - "Missouri can Bite Me!"

Wait, that wasn't nice. But it's perfect for Dean.

Primary Results [CNN]


Tuesday, February 03, 2004

The "Lively Conversation" has been Closed 

As my loyal readers may recall, I was quite busy yesterday over at Gothamist participating in a discussion regarding the role of anonymity in blogging. Gothamist has since closed these comments (see UPDATE below) because they became "personal/negative/off-topic".

As of Standard Deviance's last reading of the comments, which was around 12 am today, most of the comments seemed to be inoffensive, although perhaps something was posted after that. The majority of the comments respectfully disagreed with Gothamist's position on the issue. There was one person who basically called Jake a trust-fund baby, a comment which I found uncalled for, but nothing I would consider hurtful enough to close comments. As for off-topic, granted much of the conversation turned to Jake's view of the working world and Gothamist's lecturing tone in general, but I found those comments to be on the topic of the conversation if not necessarily on Gothamist's planned topic of the article.

It seems to me to be almost hypocritical for Gothamist to close comments given they argued that bloggers should stand behind what they say with their names and should be open for comment and criticism. Although the trust fund comment was certainly in bad taste, Gothamist could easily delete that comment and let the others stand. Night in the Big City and Whatevs also disagree with the closure. Perhaps Gothamist is tired of moderating the conversation, in which case they could certainly not allow further comment, but deleting an entire conversation that was interesting and important to many people merely because a few comments were slightly below the belt seems, to use Jake's word, "cowardly".

Don't get me wrong, I generally love Gothamist and their content. This week I especially enjoyed the post about the L being shut down and how the hipsters feel trapped like rats.

UPDATE: Gothamist has reposted the comments with a bit of editing. Apparently the comments that were deleted were the ones surrounding whether anonymous bloggers are cowards (and whatever other posts I didn't get to read) and the post about the trust fund stays. Bravo Gothamist for reposting the comments, and bravo Gothamist for being fair in your editing by deleting your posts along with others. I would have prefered no deletion at all, but given the alternative Standard Deviance is quite happy with the outcome.

Okay, that's enough blogger drama for this week.

Related Entry:
Shreds of Neighborhoodies are Flying at Gothamist

Note to Terrorists: Americans Generally do not Eat their Mail 

A "suspicious substance" was found in the mailroom of majority leader Senator Bill Frist yesterday. Initial tests show the powder tested positive for Ricin, a toxic substance. Ricin's ill effects are felt when it is ingested, injected, or inhaled. However, skin contact poses little risk.

Now, I know they do things differently in those terrorist training camps, but here in the United States we generally do not eat our mail. Not only would that not be very tasty, but that may even be classified as tampering with mail, which is a federal offense. I hate to see terrorists waste their valuable time and money on attacks that, because of U.S. cultural norms, will only be in vain.

New York Times


Monday, February 02, 2004

Shreds of Neighborhoodies are Flying at Gothamist 

Standard Deviance apologizes for the scant amount of posts today, but I was quite busy over at Gothamist. There was a lively conversation regarding the role of anonymity in the blogging world.

Yes, it could be called a "lively conversation" if by "lively" you mean shirt-ripping and hair-pulling and by "conversation" you mean knock-down drag-out fight to the death.

Fight! Fight! [Gothamist Comments]
Neighborhoodies [More Gothamist]

It's Janet, Miss Jackson If You're Nasty 

So Janet lost a bit of her clothing last night. It didn't concern me too much since I was way too busy being part of a Rhythm Nation (and I don't want to hear any smack about the song, I love it). However, it seems everyone else is in a tizzy, so I felt Standard Deviance should address the issue. After pouring over all the halftime show coverage I have come to a conclusion:

The "wardrobe malfunction" was certainly intentional.

1) Most people do not wear nipple coverings just in case their clothes fall off
2) Check out the looks on their faces above. They don't look surprised.
3) Most importantly, IT WAS NOT A PASTIE! This was a nipple medallion. If you don't believe me, check out the photo (not work safe) here [Drudge]. As a female, I can assure you no woman in her right mind would wear a ring around her nipple for kicks. That hurts. Miss Jackson would have only done this in anticipation of someone seeing said nipple.

I rest my case.


The Bush Brothers: Bringing Family Values Back to America 

Ever wonder about the third Bush brother? We always hear about Jeb being the Governor of Florida, but what is that Neil Bush up to? It seems that Neil is in a rather messy divorce and his wife is asking for a paternity test to determine whether he had a child with another woman. Oh, and the other woman? She also happens to be married, and her husband believes that he is the child's father.

Coke, DUI, tampering with elections, and bastard children. Damn, those Bush boys are classy.

New York Post


Sunday, February 01, 2004

The Week In Blog 

** In the blogosphere's ever-present need to determine the new new, Eurotrash has designated sex-industry blogging as the new black and ever-so-nimbly jumped on the bandwagon by creating "Eurotrash de Jour". We especially liked the bit on the PhD in Nuclear Physics.
** Someone in the media is trying to out The Major Fall The Minor Lift. Standard Deviance has commented before on our fear of our true identity being revealed, seeing as our employer would probably not appreciate the number of our posts created during work hours. Thus we are appalled that anyone could be so callous as to unveil TMFTML. So on behalf of all the anonymous bloggers out there, we salute you, Joe Klein, and we would like to tell the media to back-the-F-off (unless of course they would like to pay Standard Deviance for our blogging prowess, in which case our social security number is 855-732-1437).
** The Blueprint also made major news in breaking the story that Bill Murray’s Golden Globe speech was all true. The story was not only picked up by quasi-media Gawker, but even by some almost-real media, E! [Whatevs].
** Joe Trippi's resigned from the Dean Campaign. Bloggers React: Buzzmachine believes Trippi's downfall was due to the campaign becoming the celebrity and not the candidate. Most of the comments on Blog for America regarding the resignation were sad but grateful, though there were a few that were a tad snarky. Another question: Why would Dean take a Gore person to run his campaign? That worked so well last time. [Wonkette]
** In related news, Joe Trippi’s a crybaby: He cried during his CNN interview, and we heard him choke up ourselves on the Deborah Norville show. He cried a total of 19 times in one GQ interview [Wonkette]. Come on Trippi, suck it up already.
** According to bloggers, Dean's done: 601AM provides very handy instructions for removing your Dean bumper sticker from your car, and Gothamist wonders whether the Dean campaign has gone the way of the dot com bubble.
** John Kerry and Botox: True or false? The Drudge Report has several photos that show a much tighter Kerry in recent weeks. Swamp City suggests that Kerry could go the Berlusconi route and blame it on his botox-loving wife. The real question : Why did he go so long as the Grim Reaper?
** John Robb has a roundup of all the different types of hot blogs [via Buzzmachine]. Of course Standard Deviance would love to be thought of as a cool hunter, but given that our total readership numbers 3, it seems we fall somewhere in the toiling in silence category.
** With the proliferation of social networking sites, Jason Kottke has taken the mess into his own hands and has decided to hire a personal social coordinator to keep up with his accounts on Friendster, Orkut, Tribe etc.
** It snowed in New York this week. A lot. New Yorkish let us know that not everyone likes the snow, the bastards at Columbia actually announced a snow day and then retracted it [Night in the Big City], and Standard Deviance mocked the media’s snow hysteria.
** And finally, Blogger released an Atom feed for the free Blogger users (including yours truly), so now you can read Standard Deviance in the comfort of your own news aggregator.

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